


Life, Love and Fandom

by sueKay04



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-01-31 17:32:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12686934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sueKay04/pseuds/sueKay04
Summary: A tale of Yuuri's life as a skater, his growing love for Victor, and how fandom and the internet helped along the way!





	1. 2007 - 2009

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is going to be a tale weaving its way through Yuuri's life. From near the start of his career to his silver in Barcelona and possibly beyond, documenting the high points and low points of his career, his struggles with his identity and his anxiety, and his friendships both in real life and online as he moves ever closer to his goal of skating alongside his idol.

**October 2007**

Fourteen year-old Katsuki Yuuri didn’t know when he’d nodded off at his desk, but the buzz of his phone just centimetres from his face, woke him up with a start.

Lifting his head up, he realised that he had his English homework stuck to his face. Groaning, he peeled the worksheet off his cheek before reaching for his phone and checking the text message Yuu-chan had sent him.

_“Stop what you’re doing and go to Viktor’s official site. I’m Skotaku!”_

“Eh?”

Yuuri grumbled and pulled his keyboard over, mashing on some keys to bring his desktop’s monitor back to life. He quickly input the url of Viktor’s site and looked at the newsfeed on the right-hand side.

_New for the 2007/2008 Season – Viktor’s Forum!_

_Viktor would like to invite you to join his official forum where you can discuss everything on ice! We’ll have boards to discuss all the big competitions, all the routines, the competitors, ISU news and more!_

Ah! This was what Yuu-chan was talking about!

Yuuri quickly clicked the link to the new forum. While reading over the blurb, his heart skipped a beat –  the moderator mentioned that Viktor might join the forum and host Q&A sessions from time to time if his schedule allowed. The forums also made note of the usual rules of forum etiquette – no hate speech, no bullying, respect peoples’ opinions etc.

Yuuri suddenly felt even more proud to be Viktor’s fan. Some of the top skaters had limited contact with their fans, sending out newsletters and others having a chat box on their sites, but others only had the limited profiles on their respective skating organisation’s sites. Viktor however was different. He had a full website which was regularly updated, as well as a newsletter. He’d even uploaded a video of a practice session to YouTube not long ago. And now he had a whole forum!

Feeling a little giddy, Yuuri quickly clicked on the register button.

Now came the dilemma – what would his username be?

Hmmm…

Coming up with something suitably vague to just about any non-Japanese person, Yuuri continued filling in the rest of the form, putting only his initials in rather than his name. Yuuri planned to be competing at Viktor’s level sooner rather than later – It wouldn’t be clever professionally to out himself as Viktor’s fanboy.

He quickly searched for Skotaku and added her to his friends list, before picking a forum icon, giggling slightly at the default ones that were available. It was so cute that Viktor’s web team had used pictures of Makkachin as icons!

Makkachin icon in place, and friend request from Yuuko accepted, Yuuri decided it was time to introduce himself. 

* * *

 

The forum was a hub of (mostly) good-natured activity, with lots of discussions about the Grand Prix Series, The Worlds, European Championships etc. For the fans from outside of Europe they managed to get a forum dedicated to the Four Continents and there were threads for fans of the other elite skaters, though other Russian skaters like Georgi Popovich dominated, which made sense as the forum did mostly consist of Russian fans.

Yuuri found it difficult to interact on the forum at first. He didn’t know any Russian, save for recognising Viktor’s name, and his English was far from perfect. Many of the Russians only knew Russian, but those that knew English were keen to interact, and Viktor’s web team soon added an English language forum, which was great for Yuuri and Yuuko (and their English grades). Being sensible kids, they both kept their identities secret, and since Yuuri was already taking part in regional competitions, Yuuko understood his need to remain anonymous.

Despite both this and the language barrier, within a few months Yuuri soon found his niche on the forum. A lot of kids wanted to know how to get started in ice skating, so he, Yuuko and others gave advice as best they could, explaining the basics about types of ice skate and more technical stuff like what separated figure skating from ice dancing. Some fans on the forum loved the technicalities of skating, arguing about the ISU scoring criteria and some of the judges’ decisions during competitions. Others lived for the artistry and would gush about Viltor’s chosen music, and his costumes. His black, half-skirted outfit from his final year in the Juniors was seen as the benchmark – all costumes were judged against it. But his beautiful Free Skate costume for his senior debut – a blue outfit with a leafy motif and a mesh sleeve – was hot on its heels in the forum’s costume poll.

With other fans, skating wasn’t their reason for visiting the forum. They visited purely to indulge in their crushes on Viktor. They gossiped about Viktor’s personal life and shared fan art. It was mostly harmless hero-worship, although some fans did get a little too involved at times. Some stuff just shouldn’t be shared on Viktor’s official forum. There were other fan-run forums for that kind of thing.

Yuuri didn’t post in these sections at all, though he did lurk about a lot, secretly enjoying the gossiping and especially enjoying some of the fan art. Yuuko posted in the fan art section sometimes – she enjoyed drawing chibi versions of the skaters, and she soon became very popular. Yuuri stuck to posting in the more technical sections of the forum. 

* * *

 

Over the next few years as the forum became bigger and bigger, some of the common problems associated with forums became more apparent, with some overzealous fans angry that “Viktor didn’t love his fans or he’d post more”, and others protesting at the inclusion of fan groups for the other skaters and attacking fans of Georgi Popovich and others. The forum had erupted when Viktor had cut his hair. Most fans were horrified that he seemed to be ditching his trademark androgynous look in favour of appearing more masculine. Others speculated that maybe his hair was thinning, or maybe he’d been forced to cut it by the Federation. Some fans went into mourning, with one fan opening a forum thread that was to serve as a Wake for Viktor’s hair. Yuuri coped by making sure to get posters of short-haired Viktor up on the walls alongside long-haired Viktor as soon as possible. He looked at the posters for longer than he’d care to admit, and realised he kind of liked the shorter hair, although the long was so pretty he wondered what had possessed Viktor to let someone with scissors anywhere near it.

* * *

 

**November 2009**

Not long after Yuuri turned seventeen, paparazzi pictures surfaced of Viktor enjoying the company of a young woman. The forum exploded with some fans talking about how much they hated the mystery woman and she should keep her hands of “their Viktor”. Yuuri was a very patient person, and he enjoyed being helpful on the forum, but he had his limits and recently he’d had to step in and deal with some idiots as the sole active moderator had been overwhelmed.

Yuuri had to admit, he’d been a little upset that his own question for Viktor’s most recent (and increasingly rare) Q&A had been ignored, and after he’d spent so long writing it out and considering how the question would be received. Would Viktor find it cheeky or rude? Would his question be too vague? Would his English be understandable? Eventually his well-crafted question about pre-competition nerves was submitted and then not selected, although a similar question about pre-competition rituals was picked instead. Viktor’s web team said that over a thousand questions had been submitted and that Viktor apologised but he didn’t have time to answer them all.

Yuuri had also been quite miffed when he’d seen the pictures of Viktor and Mystery Woman, but there was nothing in the pictures that hinted at them being a couple, and even if they were, it was Viktor’s private life and if he wanted to have a girlfriend then as his fan, Yuuri should be happy for him. It still made Yuuri feel uncomfortable however, but he couldn’t put his finger on the reason why.

Still, he put it to the back of his mind and continued visiting the forum, adding a few individuals to his block list to avoid arguments.

Soon after the Q&A and Mystery Woman debacles, Yuuri found he was rewarded for his part in reigning in the more unruly elements within the fanbase when he was appointed a moderator in charge of the general skating forum. The moderator, Makkachinfan, told him it was due to his numerous positive contributions to the forum, making note that his knowledge of competitive skating was exceptional. Yuuri’s forum friends Flutz and KnifeShoes soon joined him as fellow moderators. Yuuko also got an offer, but by this point her own interest in skating was beginning to wane slightly, and she wasn’t on the forum that much anymore.

Yuuri was proud at being named a moderator on the forum, though he did panic at the thought of being outed since his own career on the ice was gaining momentum by the month. He’d made his senior debut this season, but he was aiming even higher for next season, hoping to gain a place in the Grand Prix series. Yuuko’s dreams of skating at an elite level weren’t going so well though, but she didn’t seem to mind. He guessed that these days she was busier with university and she was rarely on the forum.

But Yuu-chan declining was surprising. Sure, she might be much busier with other stuff now, but she was still Viktor’s fan!

It was strange how peoples’ priorities had shifted though. Both Yuu-chan and Nishigori were at university now, but it was the same with Yuuri’s classmates. He used to speak to a lot of them online after school on Mixi, but a lot of them were taking extra classes to get ready for university, and others were doing sports like soccer or tennis. These days if he wasn’t in class, he didn’t really speak to his classmates at all. Sometimes on Mixi they’d post pictures of nights out, rare breaks from the pressures of studying, but Yuuri was never included and it had been a long time since he’d been invited. It made him a little sad, but his sacrifices now would be worth it in the future. In as little as a year or two he’d be skating alongside Viktor as an equal. Nothing would get in the way of that dream, not when he’d already sacrificed so much to the ice.

These days his life consisted of getting up very early and going for a jog with Vicchan, then helping Mari with some cleaning around the onsen before heading off to school. He was studying hard as his parents had agreed to support him financially with his skating, but only if he got a degree as well. In school he still made time for training, stealing a half hour in the gym when he should have been enjoying lunch. After school it was straight to Ice Castle where he still saw Yuu-chan on occasion. His coach would drop by three times a week, but he had the rest of his time on the rink to himself. Back at home his parents paid little attention to the strict diet regimen that his coach had prescribed, but regularly skipping lunch meant he could enjoy Katsudon and feel slightly less guilty, though he knew his coach would a) strangle him to death for eating it and b) strangle his corpse for skipping lunch in the first place.

After dinner he would usually spend some time with Vicchan, taking him out for his evening walk and playing with him for a little while. Then he’d head up to his room and go straight online to catch up on the latest Viktor news. Viktor had become more accessible online, sharing pictures with the website a few times a week, and he’d set up a twitter account, though he didn’t use it all that often. After checking the news it was straight onto the forum to check any reported posts and to check in with Makkachinfan who was on the forum less and less these days (“real life is a rewarding bitch, but a bitch nonetheless” he’d said on one occasion). Yuuri liked talking with Makkachinfan – they could share some woes with each other, though Yuuri kept in mind that Makkachinfan likely knew Viktor in some way, having been forum moderator since day one, so Yuuri was careful not to reveal anything too personal. Makkachinfan did similar, but Yuuri guessed from the way he talked he was likely an employee of the Russian Skating Federation. As Yuuri had grown a little older he’d become more aware of the dynamics behind the scenes of his sport, and he’d come to realise that different countries did things very differently. For example, in Russia figure skating was very popular. As such the most promising skaters ended up very much under the wing of the Russian Federation and no expense was spared in getting them the best coaches, choreographers and trainers, the best equipment, the most lucrative sponsors and the biggest media presence. Viktor was their golden boy, and the Russian Federation probably ran the whole website for him.

In Japan however, skating was much less popular, and considered a niche sport. The Japan Skating Federation was supportive of Yuuri, but quietly so, sending branded clothing and training gear to him from their main sponsors, and checking in on he and his coach when necessary, but for the most part Yuuri’s career rested solely on his own shoulders, and he was worried that once he began his degree he’d maybe lose sight of his dreams in favour of the practicality of a normal career.

Makkachinfan gave him some advice

_Whenever I’m feeling a little lost, I try to remember what first inspired my goals. I remember what my dreams are. And if I’m feeling distracted or anything, I quite literally put my goals in front of my face. Seriously. I have posters up all over the place and everything._

Yuuri chuckled after reading Makkachinfan’s comment and looked around his room, plastered in posters of Viktor, before responding.

_It’s good advice. I already have the posters so I’ll just need to look at them some more!_

Makkachinfan got back to him in minutes.

_You do that too? Thank goodness I thought I was the only one! Everyone thinks I’m crazy with all my to-do lists adorning the walls._

Maybe he and Makkachinfan weren’t quite the same after all, Yuuri chuckled.

KnifeShoes gave similar advice.

_Keep a journal. Make sure to write down what your goals are and what achieving that goal would feel like. Remember that feeling when you’re going about your day._

Flutz sent him a playlist of uplifting songs and instructed him to chill.

_Good things come to those who wait my friend!_


	2. 2011

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri makes the move from Hasetsu to Detroit

**February 2011**

Detroit it was then.

Yuuri couldn’t quite believe it, or much else really in the past couple of weeks.

It had started with an argument with his coach after he’d asked for more of her time over the summer months. She’d responded that it wouldn’t be possible as she’d signed up with an ice show over the summer. Yuuri got angry. He was wanting to get to the top level and here was his coach abandoning him during a crucial time. It was bad enough he had to share her with another two skaters, and even worse that she was making her way to Hasetsu less and less often, meaning Yuuri had to go and train in Fukuoka while also trying to get into university.

Yuuri had managed, somehow, to get into KA Academy University in Fukuoka, even being accepted earlier than he’d expected. But now his coach was upping sticks, and there seemed to be no-one else in Saga or Fukuoka who could help him. They either already had students, or were unwilling to spend time coaching someone who was also at university.

It was a dilemma, and he’d really needed Yuuko’s help, but that was in short supply these days. She was distracted by something, and Yuuri didn’t know what. Eventually, in a fit of desperation he’d asked the university what his chances were of being accepted onto a student exchange program. After discussing his situation the university agreed to the request. And so, after asking some vague questions on the forums (Who coaches such-and-such in Paris? Who coaches whatsisface in New York? What’s the skate club in Detroit like?), Yuuri found himself getting in touch with Celestino Cialdini. Celestino reviewed some of Yuuri’s earlier routines and seemed pretty eager to add him to his coaching roster. Celestino was based at a rink only five minutes walk from where Yuuri would be attending college at Detroit Mercy if he was accepted onto that exchange program, and although he wouldn’t have Celestino all to himself, he was attached to a skate club and that meant there were other coaches and trainers he’d have access to.

Detroit Mercy and KA Academy University quickly advised Yuuri he’d been accepted, and suddenly his choice to move to America became very real indeed. His parents agreed to support him, and the university agreed to arrange his accommodation. Minako-sensei got a bit weepy-eyed but promised to visit him and told him how proud she was of his accomplishments so far.

However, when he’d broken the news to Yuu-chan, she hadn’t take it well, crying her eyes out and physically shoving him away. Her response shocked him, but he left her alone. His decision seemed to have really upset her, even though they barely saw each other these days.

It wasn’t until a couple of days later when she’d turned up at Yu-topia Katsuki that he figured it out.

She’d sent him a text that she was coming over, so he tried to pretend everything was normal, looking out notes on some of the stuff he’d been readying for the next season. Yuuko had a good eye, so he usually tried to get her opinion on costumes and finishing poses.

But as she slid open the door to his room, he’d seen the look on her face, put his skating stuff away, and had sat and listened to his oldest friend as she told Yuuri she was pregnant.

It wasn’t planned. She wasn’t currently in a relationship with the father, but she did love him. She was keeping the babies (plural!!!). And she was quitting her degree to become a full-time mother. Her due date was two weeks before Yuuri would leave for Detroit.

Nishigori was the father.

As Yuuko talked, Yuuri realised how departed from his friends’ lives he was. Yuuko told him that she and Takeshi had been seeing each other on and off for a couple of years – and Yuuri hadn’t even noticed. Obviously he'd known they were close friends and were rarely seen without one another all through school...

No really, Yuuri should definitely have noticed. How had he not noticed? And why hadn't Yuuko ever told him? Well she'd probably just assumed he would have figured it out, he guessed.

As they moved past the bombshell pregnancy talk, Yuuko started sharing gossip about his classmates – not her old classmates, but his current classmates. Most were going on to university, and others were taking active roles in family businesses or local industries. But Yuuri was surprised when Yuuko started talking about nights out she’d had with them, what their interests were and what some of them were planning for the future. Yuuko knew more about his school friends than Yuuri did.

Suddenly he was enveloped in an odd feeling of not belonging. It solidified in his mind that going to Detroit to dedicate himself to skating and studying was the right choice. He’d accidentally cut himself off from Hasetsu, and while that fact in itself stung, he had to accept that somehow he’d done it to himself.

He told Yuuko that he felt like he was abandoning her, but she assured him he was right to follow his dreams, and she also assured him that she and Takeshi would work things out.

* * *

 

**December 2011**

Yuuri ached from head to toe. Celestino was a brutal coach.

The Italian was a former figure skater who’d taken up endurance athletics after retiring, before turning his attention towards coaching. As such he was as strong as an ox, full of energy, and completely perplexed that his young charges couldn’t keep up with him.

Now Yuuri was alone in his dorm room, unable to work on an essay due the very next day because everything hurt so much.

He physically dragged himself from his bed and sat down heavily at his desk before opening his laptop and checking facebook.

Immediately he was bombarded with notifications, but he only stopped to check on Yuu-chan’s.

Yup it was yet another picture of her and the triplets.

Yuuri could scarcely believe that Yuu-chan was now a mother of three. But he was so relieved that she seemed to have taken to motherhood with ease, and he was relieved that Nishigori was stepping up and being a father to them. He and Nishigori had mended the last of their fences before Yuuri had left, with Nishigori apologising for bullying him when they were younger, and assuring him that Yuuko was the love of his life, and that he’d do anything for her and their children. Yuuko and Takeshi had gotten back together and they’d gotten engaged weeks before the triplets had been born. Yuuri had an invite for the wedding, but knowing his luck it would clash with a competition.

Moving to America had been more jarring than he’d thought.

With the differences in academic years, Yuuri had started his degree in April in Japan and had spent some time getting used to the basics of student life. A few months into his studies he’d then had to pack up his life and move to Detroit.

Detroit didn’t quite embody the American Dream as much as it had when he’d thought about this move in his head, but he liked the campus and his professors, and the Detroit Skate Club was great.

The club itself consisted of a clutch of instructors teaching and coaching groups and individuals mostly for intercity and statewide competitions, but he hadn’t been the only foreign skater there –  Canadian Junior Jean-Jacques Leroy had joined Detroit just before him. In spite of their age gap, Yuuri had tried to befriend him, but to no avail, and within weeks JJ was gone, having gained his Olympic medal-winning parents as coaches after his younger siblings had started school. Being the only foreign skater at the rink did leave him feeling quite isolated at times, although the fact that Celestino was himself an immigrant helped a little. Yuuri soon became acquainted with some of the American skaters at the rink, most notably Leo de la Iglesia, a junior skater aged just thirteen who possessed a sunny and kind but often shy disposition.

All too often rink time was swallowed up by study time, and he often felt isolated from both his fellow students and his fellow skaters. He struggled to attend lectures and seminars and hand in coursework before deadlines passed, while also getting enough rink time, never mind trying to have some sort of social life.

Lectures were particularly jarring. He couldn’t focus, and he would often feel overly aware of himself in lectures. Everyone else was sitting stock-still, listening to the speaker and taking notes, while Yuuri felt horrible pains in his stomach, heard his blood rushing in his ears and felt like his skin was crawling. Yuuri often had to fight the urge to run away, convinced at times he was going to pass out on the spot while everyone was looking at him.

Sometimes he could control the feelings, scratching at his hands or subtly kicking off his shoes and rubbing his feet along the ground. Oddly the sensations helped bring him back from wherever he felt like he’d be going otherwise. At other times he couldn’t control it and he’d have to dash outside for a few minutes while he waited for what he was feeling to go away.

With the transitions to studying and living abroad not going as well as he’d expected, Yuuri gave up on his Grand Prix dream for another year.

Yuuri was a person who rarely felt lonely. He enjoyed his own space and always had. After all, home had been far from a quiet environment, and the family’s onsen had been far busier when Yuuri was little. Yuuri escaped the noise regularly, taking Vicchan to the beach, retreating to Minako-sensei’s studio, or visiting Ice Castle.

In Detroit he was definitely feeling cut off, and it wasn’t an isolation particularly of his own making – he hadn’t made any real friends at college so far, and while Leo was great, he was only 13 to Yuuri’s 18, and Leo had friends his own age.

His only real contacts in his spare time were his forum friends, chief among them being KnifeShoes and Makkachinfan.

Things on the forum had changed somewhat as well. As social media had started its relentless march to supremacy, forums had become old news. Viktor hadn’t done a Q&A in ages, and he’d set up a facebook page to go with his twitter account, both of which he updated regularly. With Viktor’s own internet habits changing, a lot of fans left the forum. Even Flutz who’d been every bit as obsessive as Yuuri was had vanished, and Makkachinfan could be gone for weeks at a time.  Still there was a core group of Viktor fans who stuck around, so although the forum was no longer what it once was, Yuuri stuck around, wanting to hold on to his internet friends. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos on the last chapter!
> 
> I hope I'm doing Yuuri justice here - I'm trying to show how he became isolated in Hasetsu without even knowing or trying, just because he's so wrapped up in skating while everyone else moves forward with their lives as they grow up. I also wanted to show something of a start to Yuuri's anxiety problems.


	3. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri makes new friends, but worries about love and life as his career starts to stall.

**April 2012**

It was a small miracle, but Yuuri had successfully completed the first year of his degree.

Juggling studying and skating had proven extremely taxing, but now he had a longer break than most, as he was now in the process of aligning his academic year with Detroit Mercy rather than KA Academy. Yuuri had a whole three months now to dedicate to training and sight-seeing.

His parents, Minako and Yuuko all wanted him to come and visit them, but it was a lot of money for the flights. Instead Yuuri informed them he was going to take some time out and see more of America. In reality he didn’t feel ready to go home and answer questions about studying, about his rink, about his coach. He’d been in America for nine months now and had little to show for it, but he didn’t want his nearest and dearest to know.

There was also the matter of his health.

He’d continued having his ‘funny turns’ in lectures, and he’d continued ignoring them, until there had been an incident at the skate club.

The Zamboni had caught fire while resurfacing the rink. No-one had been hurt, but it had left the Detroit Skaters without access to their rink until the mess was cleaned up and a new Zamboni was procured. Instead Coach Lacey had organised a movie for everyone to watch – The Mighty Ducks. It was also to be an “ice-breaker” (coach humour) for some young up-and-coming foreign juniors who were visiting for a training camp Celestino had organised. When the film began, Yuuri found himself sitting between Leo and a Thai skater, Phichit Chulanont, who was himself flanked by Chinese skater Guang Hong Ji. Both boys had excellent English and seemed very polite and enthusiastic. Phichit was 16 and had already achieved minor celebrity status in Thailand, while Guang Hong was just 13 and seemed even younger.

But sitting mid-row, trying to concentrate on the movie, while surrounded by skaters who may one day be his rivals, had proved too much, and he felt one of his funny turns start. He got out of his seat with what he thought was the minimum of fuss and left the room to head for the rink, desperate to breathe in some cooler air. A minute later he made it to the rink. Yuuri leaned against the plexiglas of a rink board and closed his eyes, taking solace in the cold surface and the familiar comfort of being near the ice.

“Yuuri?”

The sound of Celestino’s voice startled him, and he turned quickly to face his coach.

“Uh, coach?”

Noting the look on the Italian’s face, Yuuri felt a need to explain himself.

“I just felt a little dizzy, I’ll be fine in a minute or two.”

Celestino sighed and chose to stand next to him, leaning back onto the Plexiglas.

Yuuri could feel the man’s eyes on him.

“I’ll be fine, really…I’m sorry you’re missing the movie because of me.”

“Don’t be, it was Lacey’s choice. I hate that damn movie.”

“Really coach?”

“When I was little I wanted to play hockey, but boy did I suck! They made me the goalie…I still have nightmares!” he laughed softly.

Yuuri found himself chuckling at the image of a little Celestino, bravely trying and failing to defend his net. But chuckling at his coach wasn’t appropriate, so he soon stopped and apologised.

Celestino didn’t seem to mind though and smiled at him, “Still feeling dizzy?”

“No,” Yuuri responded, realising he’d began to feel normal.

They didn’t go back to watch the rest of the movie, instead they’d grabbed a bottle of water each and headed outdoors for some air. Before Yuuri knew it he was describing his symptoms to Celestino who had listened carefully.

“I’m no expert Yuuri, but your funny turns sound like they might be panic attacks. You know that I’m here if you need to talk about anything, but you might be better speaking to someone in a more professional capacity. As far as I know Detroit Mercy has a good student counselling service. It might be helpful for you.”

Panic attacks? Really? But Yuuri guessed it kind of made sense given all the upheaval in his life – he had plenty to stress about. But Yuuri wasn’t mentally ill! And therapy of any kind sounded mildly terrifying. But Celestino was a good coach, so he heeded his advice and scheduled a session with a counsellor at college.

For the rest of the week Yuuri had felt a bit out of it. Talking about his funny turns had helped, but at the same time the fact he had decided to talk to someone about his mental health had left the cogs inside his head doing overtime.

One of Celestino’s new kids, Phichit had been watching him throughout the week (or was Yuuri paranoid now too?), and had asked him for help while they were put through their paces at the ballet studio. Eventually Phichit had pulled him aside and asked if he felt okay.

“It’s just I noticed you running out during the movie…I thought you might be unwell.”

“I’m fine Phichit, but thank you for asking,” Yuuri smiled in response, trying to hide his embarrassment.

“Well it’s a shame you missed the movie!”

Yuuri didn’t bother telling him he’d seen The Mighty Ducks three times already, “It’s fi-“

Phichit raised a finger like he’d just had a brainwave, “I know! Movie night at the hotel! I brought my favourite movie with me – The King and the Skater! You can bring the snacks – you live here so you’ll know what tastes best – and I’ll provide the entertainment!”

Yuuri decided to take the boy up on his offer, and he’d ended up having a great night – the best in a long long time. Guang Hong had joined them for a short while before returning to his own hotel room, and Leo had dropped by until his parents picked him up.

Not long after that, the camp had ended (with the skate club giving partial refunds due to the rink being off-limits for much of the week) and Phichit and Guang Hong had returned to their home countries. He’d kept both boys email addresses however, and soon he and Phichit were in regular contact via both email and Facebook.

 Phichit was a like a hot spring of positive energy, always bubbling away sharing happy, interesting pictures, funny quotes and the best memes. If Yuuri needed cheering up, Phichit’s facebook was the ticket.

On the forum Yuuri discussed The King and the Skater, discovering that KnifeShoes loved it, but that Makkachinfan had never heard of it. Between himself and KnifeShoes they convinced him to see it, and they soon had another convert.

The meeting with the counsellor had been a pretty uninspiring event if he was honest. The counsellor had sat and smiled at him and given him platitudes about how every student experiences stress and how he needed to make use of the support around him, and how he needed to exercise and eat well and he’d feel better. Telling her that he was a competitive athlete didn’t seem to register – she simply smiled and said it was good he’d adopted a healthy lifestyle before handing him a business card with a web address on it. She explained it was a site for downloading cognitive behaviour therapy worksheets and that he should have a look at it.

She never explained what cognitive behaviour therapy actually was, and he never did look at the website.

Instead, Yuuri packed a suitcase and decided to see some of America.

* * *

 

**October 2012**

KnifeShoes was ecstatic for him.

_Tickets to Skate America?? You have no idea how jealous I am!!_

Yuuri appreciated his friend’s enthusiasm, but didn’t share his own personal sense of disappointment. For Yuuri It was yet another season locked out of the top flight as he’d failed to be selected for the Grand Prix Series again. He had however participated in more of the events just below the Grand Prix level, and he was literally just back from competing in the Finlandia Trophy where he’d placed reasonably well despite spectacularly screwing up a triple toe loop. Of course KnifeShoes didn’t know that, so Yuuri decided to focus on the positives.

_It’ll be great, I’ve got a friend coming along whom I’ve not seen ages so we’ll both be able to cheer on Viktor!_

Yes, Viktor had been drawn for Skate America, so Yuuri was finally going to be able to see him skate in person. It wasn’t quite the same as competing against him, but for now Yuuri would accept it.

Makkachinfan decided to join in:

_Just keep an eye on Swiss Chris and Cao Bin – they’re both doing amazing this season!_

KnifeShoes responded:

_I’m happily engaged to my girlfriend of five years and even I can’t keep my eyes off Giacometti! Seriously it’s like last week he was the innocent little kid in the junior division, and now he’s sex on skates! Puberty never ceases to amaze me…_

It was true. Yuuri knew Chris from their time together in the junior division. Since they’d moved up to the seniors he’d only competed against him twice as he was now in the top flight. But while Chris had once exuded sweet innocence and could have gotten away with sporting a halo atop his pile of blond curls, now he went out onto the ice oozing raw sex appeal.

Nineteen year-old Yuuri had undergone no such metamorphosis, and he doubted he ever would.

Like KnifeShoes, Phichit was jealous.

 **_Phichit+chu:_ ** _Why didn’t you invite me??_

 **_Katsuki-Y:_ ** _Celestino only gave me two tickets. He thinks I have the potential to compete in the GPS and that going there and seeing the competition will be good for me._

 **_Phichit+chu:_ ** _So who’s so special they got your spare ticket? :P  
_

**_Katsuki-Y:_ ** _My ballet teacher. It’s a thank you since she got me started in figure skating, and she’s a huge Viktor Nikiforov fan._

**_Phichit+chu:_ ** _And here was me thinking you had a girlfriend or something! Is your teacher hot?_

**_Katsuki-Y:_ ** _What? She’s old enough to be my mother!!_

**_Phichit+chu:_ ** _Shame! Take plenty of pictures for me Yuuri!! But who knows, maybe one day we’ll both get to compete in the Grand Prix series. Maybe by then you’ll have a girlfriend! :P  
_

Phichit was always teasing him about being single. Yuuri teased back since Phichit was also single. Phichit would then fire back that he lived at home with his parents and four siblings and he was still at school while Yuuri had the rare luxury of a dorm room all to himself and no parental supervision.

Yuuri never bothered mentioning to Phichit that he wasn’t particularly interested in dating, nor was he particularly attracted to anyone, and that when he thought about dating, he immediately felt quite ill. No, it was easier being single he’d concluded.

A few days after telling his friends about his upcoming trip to Skate America, he arrived in Seattle and met Minako-sensei a few hours later.

Minako looked just like she always had – twenty years younger than her age, and full of the energy of a woman thirty years her junior. Yuuri envied her.

As they sat in a small coffee shop in the airport, she began her quest to find out every detail of his time in America. He managed to steer her away from talking about his studies. Ironically linguistics wasn’t much fun to talk about. But he couldn’t get her away from talking about his social life.

“So Yuuri, you’re all grown up now...Don’t tell me you’re still single.”

“I’m single,” he mumbled, “I don’t have the time.”

Minako shot him a look, “Hmm, I don’t quite believe that. Even if you’re single now you must have dated someone!”

Yuuri blushed, mortified, “No, really I haven’t been dating.”

Minako pouted, “And here I was hoping you’d have found a man by now.”

“A…a man?”

“Look I know I’m your sensei and your mother’s friend, but I’m also _your_ friend so I know you!”

Yuuri decided to study his hot chocolate, in the hope of getting her to leave the subject of his sexuality alone.

Because the truth was, Yuuri had never figured it out. What was he supposed to be? Straight he guessed because it was “conventional” and it was easier. But he wasn’t sure it was him, and at the same time he wasn’t sure he was gay either. Or bi. He really didn’t know.

“Yuuri, are you really trying to tell me you only put up all those posters of Viktor to profess your deep respect for his artistry and technical skills. The man is gorgeous.”

Yuuri’s blush deepened and he confessed inwardly that perhaps Minako had a point, not that he’d tell her that.

“He’s everything I look up to in figure skating. I aspire to be like him one day.”

“And he has a very fine ass,” Minako responded cheekily, giving him a wink before moving on to talk about what was happening in Hasetsu.

* * *

 

Yuuri’s heart ached watching Skate America.

Celestino had got them excellent tickets, but he was as well being a million miles from the rink. He and Minako had agreed to basically camp out in the arena, hoping to watch not only the men’s but also the ladies, the pairs and the ice dancing over the next few days.

Yuuri was obviously most invested in the men’s competition, but watching it live at the arena rather than on TV had left an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He watched Chris Giacometti glide easily across the ice, able to push his personality into every move, able to own his physique and his image. So attractive, so confident, so self-assured, and so comfortable.

The exact opposite of Yuuri.

“He was at the Junior worlds with you, wasn’t he?” Minako said when Chris had finished his short program.

“Yes.”

“What a difference a few years makes…I vaguely remember this tiny little boy with a cute accent!”

“Mmm….He was only a little taller than me, even though he was a couple of years older.”

“And now he’s all man,” Minako sighed appreciatively.

Watching the rest of the skaters was difficult as well – they all seemed to have well-crafted stories woven into their programs, stories that were pulled together by each skater’s individual style and emphasised by signature moves and unique choreography. What did Yuuri have? He wasn’t sure. Celestino praised his footwork and his spins, but he didn’t have anything that was really his own, and he usually just wore whatever costume arrived at the rink for him. Giving notes for his costumes or his programs seemed troublesome – the designers had difficult jobs so he didn’t want to add to their workload with silly requests, and Celestino had an objective eye, so he left him to work with his choreographer to get routines created that would emphasize his strengths.

Somehow he still felt lacking.

He was lost inside his own head, vaguely aware that the noise from the crowd had increased somewhat after Italy’s representative in the series had finished up.

Minako-sensei started hitting his shoulder.

“There he is!” She shouted, unfurling a Russian flag.

Yuuri watched as Viktor glided confidently and serenely onto the ice, every movement of his willowy yet powerful frame carefully controlled. Yuri could tell that every ounce of the Russian’s being went into his performance. The music started – as always an original composition he’d commissioned for the season. The music was clear and ethereal and made Yuuri think back to springs in Hasetsu when the cherry blossom hung heavily on the trees and petals would swirl through the air. Yuuri watched his performance feeling completely at ease, relaxed even. The slow, calm music arranged around a simple violin melody only served to emphasise Viktor’s incredible jumps, and Yuuri felt his heart skip a beat with every one. When all too soon Viktor left the ice to deafening applause and a rink festooned with plushies, Yuuri’s spirits immediately sank.

“That was an experience! And I think the free skate’s going to be even better!”

“I hope so Minako-sensei,” Yuuri smiled.

Beneath his smile, Yuuri was dismayed. Seeing Viktor in person had shown him just how far behind his idol he really was. Viktor had already been in a few Grand Prix Series by the time he was 19, but Yuuri was nowhere near that goal yet.

* * *

 

The next afternoon it was time for the Free Skate, and Yuuri was dreading it. Due to getting his tickets through Celestino, both he and Minako had special passes to go into parts of the venue blocked off to the general public. Obviously they weren’t allowed near the Kiss & Cry, or in the area immediately backstage. But they were allowed to mill around hospitality areas for ISU and competition staff, and the chances of meeting the skaters were fairly high. Yuuri was a bundle of nerves. He wanted to meet Viktor, but what if he panicked, or made a fool of himself? What if Viktor thought he was an idiot? His stomach clenched at the idea.

“Are you okay?” Minako-sensei asked, concern laced through her words, “and be honest please.”

“I’ll be fine, I hope,” he said sincerely.

Minako had been one of the few people he’d told about his anxiety issues. Having trained so many dancers over the years he knew she’d have encountered people like him before, and indeed she had, ‘numerous times’ she’d said.

Minako squeezed his hand, “Remember, if anyone asks you what you do, you’re not a fan, or just here for the competition – you’re a skater who’ll be at this level in a season or two’s time and I’m your good friend and a big fan of figure skating.”

Minako’s statement made sense. If he was okay he could talk about skating, and if he got nervous he’d draw attention to Minako the fangirl and the skaters would talk to her instead.

They milled around and didn’t really see anyone. Cao Bin walked by, headphones on, completely focused on the competition. So did Italy’s skater. They briefly met one of the female skaters from Germany when she was finished with her practice session. She was lovely but she’d mainly talked to Minako about ballet before leaving.

“Katsuki Yuuri, is that really you?” A voice suddenly called over Yuuri’s shoulder.

Yuuri jumped a little and Minako gasped.

“Christophe Giacometti!” Yuuri spluttered.

“Did I frighten you?” He pouted, with mischief in his eyes, “And I told you years ago to call me Chris.”

Chris winked before continuing, “How have you been? What brings you Skate America?”

“Oh! Uh…My coach got me tickets. I’m aiming to be in the Grand Prix Series soon, so he thought it would be beneficial.”

Chris smiled, “I’m actually surprised you’re not here yet! You really stood out in the juniors and you’ve been doing good so far as a senior.”

“Maybe next season,” Yuuri chuckled nervously, “Anyway, I’d better introduce you – this is my ballet teacher, Okukawa Minako.”

“Hi!” Minako giggled before clamming up.

“Bonjour,” Chris said, playfully lifting up Minako’s hand for a kiss.

“Hi!” Minako repeated, her ability to speak English evaporating for the moment.

Chris seemed to ignore Minako’s sudden loss of composure and continued talking to Yuuri.

“It seems a long way to travel just to watch some skating Yuuri. If anything I thought I’d see you at the NHK Trophy.”

“Well, I’m training under Celestino Cialdini so-“

“Ah, so you’re based in America now! I’ll keep that in mind the next time I’m at a competition here.”

A bald man wearing red rimmed glasses walked by, smiling and making eye contact with Chris before walking off in the direction of the locker rooms.

“That’s my coach, so that’s my cue to start my warm-up. It’s been great to see you Yuuri, and far too long since we last competed against each other. I hope to see you in the Grand Prix Series next season.”

“Same here Chris, and best wishes for your free skate.”

“Merci!” Chris smiled before walking off to get ready.

Once Chris was out of sight, Minako turned back to Yuuri, fanning herself with her hands.

“What age is he?”

“Uh…21 I think, why?”

“He’s much too young to be that hot, I’m ashamed of myself,” Minako looked quizzically at Yuuri, “He did nothing for you, did he?”

“He’s a nice guy Sensei, but he’s hardly my type. But his skating is interesting,” he dodged her question.

“Hmm…I wonder what your type is sometimes.”

For day two Yuuri discovered their seats were only a few rows behind where the skaters’ seats were for when they’d finished skating.

Yuuri watched, slightly numbly as the men went through the free skates. Chris’ program had been flawless but had lacked the technical points needed to win. Cao Bin had been on fire turning out an extra quad during a combination and gaining more points than expected. But no-one could come close to Viktor who beat Cao by a sold 15 points. Viktor’s free skate had none of the serenity of the short program. This skate was sensual, full-bodied and seductive. It was far more mature in tone than many had come to expect from Viktor Nikiforov, but at 23 perhaps he was choosing to show even more of himself to the world. Viktor’s performance was captivating, and it made his heart beat faster, and stirred at something indescribable within Yuuri he’d rarely felt before.

He only realised he’d been gawping when Minako-sensei put her fingers under his chin and snapped his mouth shut.

“Drool-worthy’s a figure of speech not a suggestion,” she jokingly admonished him.

After the Men’s free skates were over, he and Minako took a break for a late lunch/early dinner so that they could enjoy the exhibition without interruption.

“You couldn’t keep your eyes off Viktor,” Minako said gently.

“I guess not,” Yuuri blushed, unable to avoid the admission this time.

Minako gave him the softest of smiles and gripped at his hand from across the table, “You know, Viktor’s drop dead gorgeous, talented, wealthy and likely very intelligent…The perfect package…But there’s other men out there that you might want to meet someday too. Get out there and meet some of them!”

“Plenty of fish in the sea?” Yuuri responded a little sarcastically.

“I might be overstepping the line here, but those other men? I’m pretty sure your mother and father would love to be introduced to one of them someday.”

Yuuri picked up on the hidden meaning in Minako’s words, “You’ve discussed my orientation with my parents?”

“Not directly…But your mother’s one of my closest friends. Some things come up in conversation from time to time.”

“They think I’m gay?”

“I don’t know, but I think it’s something that’s crossed their minds. You’ve never shown an interest in girls.”

Yuuri looked down at his placemat and mumbled, “I don’t know what I am.”

Feeling both of Minako’s hands clasped around his, he looked up to meet her gaze, “Not everyone needs to label themselves Yuuri. No matter what – all of your friends and family want you to be happy. How did that Lady Gaga song go? ‘No matter gay, straight or bi’?”

The Lady Gaga reference made Yuuri chuckle a little, but he tried to hide that from Minako.

When their meals arrived Yuuri dug in straight away, but Minako wasn't quite done talking.

“Remember - if you don’t want to bag one of those extremely hot skaters, I’ll gladly do it instead,” she grinned.

Yuuri chuckled at that, “Thank you for your sacrifice Sensei.”

* * *

 

The gala had been a blast, ranging from beautifully choreographed routines that wouldn’t be allowed in the main competition due to technical constraints, to cheekier routines that elicited both laughter and gasps from the crowd with choreography switching from comic to breath-taking with lighting fast speed. Viktor’s exhibition had been a serene, comfortable affair, skated with utter ease as if it were nothing. Chris’ had been more comedic, set to dance music with regular stops on the ice to do some comical footwork. The whole night had been magical. Yuuri had been able to get some good pictures of the medal ceremonies so he had something to share with Makkachinfan, KnifeShoes, Phichit and Yuuko, but other than that he’d sat back and allowed himself to enjoy the skating.

The next day Minako had left to go back home. He thanked her sincerely for being so open when discussing his sexuality and not judging him. Minako assured him there was nothing to judge.

Once she was gone, Yuuri was left to mull over their conversation.

Yuuri couldn’t deny he’d never shown much interest in girls. Sure, he’d crushed on Yuuko when he was little and he definitely thought that she was very attractive even now. But looking at Yuuko had never made him feel the way Viktor had during his free skate. That was something altogether different. He tried to think back to other times he’d felt like that, and almost all of them made him think of Viktor (with the exception of one of his happily married professors who just had eyes to die for…).

So he was attracted to two men he could think of, and maybe one woman. Though he couldn’t decide if he was attracted to Yuuko or could just acknowledge that she was attractive.

Maybe he was too fussy. A guy in one of his seminars, Kevin, had said that when he’d refused to go on a double date so he could see the girl he wanted. Truth was he didn’t want to sit and make awkward small talk with a girl he knew he wouldn’t be attracted to…so okay yeah, maybe he was fussy.

* * *

 

KnifeShoes wanted gossip from Skate America

_Spill!_

Yuuri responded by posting pictures of Seattle – proof that he’d gone there – and then pictures of the venue in Kent.

_Most of my pictures during the performances are blurry, but I only had my phone with me._

Makkachinfan commented on the pictures:

_Amazing! How was Seattle? Did you go to the Space Needle? How was the competition?_

Yuuri ran down what they’d seen – minus the story about meeting Chris – before posting pictures from the Gala.

_I thought Swiss Chris would do better than Bronze if I’m honest._

Yuuri had thought so too, but Cao Bin had given a performance close to his personal best.

_He’s still almost certain for the final though I’d imagine._

Yuuri could share more about Skate America with Phichit though and for that he was glad.

 **Phichit+chu:** OMG. You met _the_ Christophe Giacometti?!?!

 **Katsuki-Y:** Calm down! I already knew him.

 **Phichit+chu:** Noted, I’ll bring my fanboying down a level then.

 **Phichit+chu:** Is he single?

 **Katsuki-Y:** eh?

 **Phichit+chu:** asking for a friend

 **Katsuki-Y:** Funny :P

 **Katsuki-Y:** If he is you’ll need to fight my ballet teacher to win his affections

 **Phichit+chu:** I thought you said she was old?!

 **Katsuki-Y:** Not *that* old!

 **Phichit+chu:** I doubt she’s his type anyway! And enough about that, how was the skating from a...well, skating perspective?

 **Katsuki-Y:** Intimidating

 **Phichit+chu:** Ouch! Okay, in what way?

 **Katsuki-Y:** Every conceivable way? I mean they all have their own style, and signature moves, and they’re so confident and they jump so well. I felt I should be up there as their equal already and I’m not.

 **Phichit+chu:** Most skaters don’t even make it to the level you’re at right now, so don’t be feeling bad. Use Skate America to improve. Try to think what they all have in common right now that you don’t

 **Katsuki-Y:** They all have their shit together?

 **Phichit+chu:** Funny.

Yuuri thought about it for a moment. What was one of the things that separated the elite from other senior skaters?

One word came to mind – quads.

 **Katsuki-Y:** Phichit – you’re a genius.

 **Phichit+chu:** Well I know that, but care to elaborate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping everyone likes this chapter as it was quite difficult to write. I'm hoping I got across how troubled Yuuri is about his sexuality and love life, but more in a way that he's not worried about it himself but thinks he should be because love and dating are such big things for everyone else. I'm kind of drawing on my own thoughts and feelings for that if I'm honest. Still I hope I've done it justice.
> 
> Apologies also for the delay - real life has been a bit uncooperative!


	4. 2013 - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hurricane Phichit, breakthroughs and setbacks!

**August 2013**

Hurricane Phichit hit Detroit in the July of that year, and Yuuri’s life hadn’t been the same since.

Phichit Chulanont was a rarity in Thai skating – a skater his federation envisioned one day reaching the pinnacle of his sport. As such Phichit held a lot of clout, similar to what Victor probably held with the Russian Federation, Yuuri mused.

So Phichit got great sponsors and the best gear, and his choice of coach.

And he wanted Celestino.

Yuuri was supportive of his friend’s decision, even asking the university if it was okay for Phichit to share his dorm room even though he wasn’t a student. The university shrugged their shoulders – Phichit was student-aged so they didn’t care too much – one brief interview to determine he was genuine and not a threat to anyone on campus was enough.

And so Phichit and his troupe of hamsters had moved in, and soon there were pictures of his hamsters (Torvill, Dean and Steve (yes, Steve)) adorning the walls alongside pictures of Victor and Vicchan.

Yuuri was quietly ecstatic.

And as well as having the closest thing he now had to a best friend as his roommate, Yuuri had moved closer to his dream.

He’d qualified for the Grand Prix Series, and he'd heard rumours that he was in with a shout for the Sochi Olympics.

From the October of Skate America, Yuuri had pushed himself, firstly making a rare demand of Celestino – he wanted to learn a quad.

Celestino had responded that it was about time he asked, and had set to work helping him master the quad toe loop. It had taken a month of practicing it to the detriment of just about everything else before he finally landed one cleanly, but the sense of triumph and accomplishment was exhilarating.

He could do a quad. Just one, but he could do it.

He could do this.

With the quad down, he started to add it to his routines, and then he put the same level of dedication into refining his step sequences. If Victor Nikiforov poured his heart and soul into every movement he made on the ice, then so would Katsuki Yuuri.

He’d debuted his quad at the Japanese Nationals, stunning everyone who’d been watching.

He was even more stunned at his scores which gave him a new personal best of 80.04 for his short program, and his free skate was also a personal best of 161.46.

Each country that sent skaters to the Grand Prix Series could pick only a tiny number of skaters. Competition was fierce and for a country like Japan a good performance at the Nationals was essential as it dictated who would get to go to the Worlds, and selection for the Grand Prix was almost solely based on a skater’s performance at the worlds.

Yuuri didn’t do as well at the Worlds as he’d done at the nationals, mucking up a combination jump in his free skate, but he’d done enough to get into the Grand Prix Series.

The scale of the Worlds had been something to behold. He’d participated in the Junior Worlds once and hadn’t done well, not making it through the preliminaries. But to be in the heart of the action at the Worlds was exhilarating.

Unfortunately for him, the number of competitors meant that he’d had no chance to meet Victor, although he had spied him around the off-rink areas a few times. Yuuri didn’t think he was quite worthy of meeting Victor yet, so he didn’t seek him out.

Phichit of course thought he was crazy for not introducing himself, and had reminded him of that regularly since arriving in Detroit.

“You know what you are? A self-sabotager, that’s what,” he huffed, “I’d have marched on up and introduced myself.”

“I’m not you Phichit,” Yuuri whined. And it was true – he and Phichit were extremely different people who approached so many things in life from very contrary angles.

But they’d still become the best of friends.

Phichit was all about being loud, dressing outrageously when he could and having a laugh. Despite being 17 and looking even younger, he’d managed to procure a fake ID within two weeks of arriving in the US, and he’d gotten one for Yuuri as well, rather cheekily using his Japan Figure Skating mug shot for it.

“We shouldn’t be drinking, we’re too young Phichit.”

“You’d be legal in Japan! Isn’t it 20 there? And you’ll be 21 in a couple of months!”

“Well you’re not legal here at all Phichit, not even close.”

Still, Phichit won the battle and they’d gone out for the night in Detroit, seeking out bars that were full of students. It was freshers week, so everywhere was busy and the music was loud.

Phichit was in his element, talking to anyone who showed a bit of interest in the pair.

Yuuri was most definitely not in his element, a deep knot of worry embedded in his stomach. So instead of talking, he drank.

And drank.

And drank.

Thanks to the alcohol, Yuuri’s first kiss at the tender age of 20 was something he really didn’t want to remember. He didn’t know the girl’s name. He didn’t find her attractive. But kissing her when she leaned in to him on the dance floor of whatever club he’d found himself in seemed like a good idea at the time. Yuuri had been clueless, not having the faintest of ideas about what he should be doing. Instead he just kind of moved his mouth a little, and had nearly choked when the girl’s tongue had suddenly shot into his mouth. The brunette didn’t seem to have noticed his lack of kissing finesse and had wanted to take things further, leaning into his ear and whispering things that definitely made him blush, but didn’t make him excited in any way (terrified would be accurate). If the kiss had done anything good it had sobered him up a little, so he’d politely made an excuse and walked away, wiping at his mouth once the girl was out of sight.

It had taken another hour to get Phichit out of the club, and Yuuri couldn’t keep track of how many people – male and female – he’d seen the 17 year-old flirt with.

The next day on the rink, Phichit, who’d had a ton more to drink than Yuuri bounded about the rink without a care in the world. Yuuri meanwhile had spent most of the morning hugging the toilet and found that doing anything more than shuffling forward was giving him a sensation akin to motion sickness.

Celestino was not amused, and Phichit’s shit-eating grin didn’t help.

Phichit agreed that Yuuri maybe shouldn’t drink again. Yuuri agreed, for the sake of their careers, that neither of them should drink again until they retired.

Later that day after getting back to their room, Yuuri did make sure to ask Phichit one thing.

“At the club, I saw you flirting with men and women. Given your crush on Chris I'd kind of assumed you were gay.”

“Hmm…I don’t know yet!” Phichit responded brightly, “But the way I see it, people are inherently attractive, so why limit myself when I don’t know who and what I like yet.”

Yuuri envied Phichit for being so open and positive despite not having figured out his preferences yet, and also his willingness to experiment. Yuuri had none of Phichit’s courage.

* * *

 

**December 2013**

_Being an adult sucks._

It wasn’t a mature message, or a descriptive one, but he needed a good, vague moan online.

Makkachinfan was the first to response.

_I wanted to be an adult so bad until I actually was one. Adulting sucks. What’s up?_

What was up, Yuuri asked himself. Well for starters at college, Syntax was kicking his butt. In his personal life he hadn’t been able to figure himself out beyond realising he’d rather be celibate for life than be kissed by that girl again, and he’d made a rather mediocre account of himself at both his assigned events – Skate America (fifth place) and the Trophée de France (fifth place again). To make it worse, Victor hadn’t been assigned to either event, so he still hadn’t competed against him. The Worlds didn’t really count with such a large group of competitors. On top of his failure to do well at the Grand Prix, he'd seen his chance at competing in the Olympics slip just out of reach- there had been a limited number of places on the figure skating squad and it was another Japanese skater, Inoue Akito (who'd done better at the Nationals) who'd been picked over him. Yuuri was disappointed, but Inoue-san was three years his senior - At 23 he supposed this was Inoue-san's final chance to compete at the Olympics. Yuuri could still aim for 2018, but it still hurt to miss out.

This far into his time on Victor’s forum (almost six years), he still hadn’t told his forum friends about his skating. He supposed now he never would, so he composed his response.

_College is hurting my brain._

Makkachinfan got right back to him.

_Ouch_ _☹. I’d say I sympathise but I haven’t been to college._

KnifeShoes commented:

_I never managed to graduate. I still regret that. What year are you in again?_

Yuuri got straight back to him.

_Third year of a four year course._

KnifeShoes responded:

_Hang in there, you’re smart you can do it._

Makkachinfan chimed in:

_What Knife said – we believe in you!!_

The little bit of encouragement helped. Just a little, but it helped.

He’d been speaking to both Makkachinfan and KnifeShoes now for over five years, he realised. And although they knew fairly little about each other, he thought of them both as close friends.

Makkachinfan seemed about ages with him and travelled a fair bit. While Yuuri had for years believed him to be Russian, now he wasn’t so sure. But he was positive he was European.

KnifeShoes was now married and living in Quebec, having moved from his native Toronto.

That was it – that was all he knew about him. He wondered what they knew about him. Well they knew he lived in the USA and was a student. That was really about it.

But it didn’t matter. They all got on well and they all supported each other in similarly vague ways. Maybe one day they’d befriend each other on facebook or something and find out more about each other, but for now Yuuri was content.

* * *

 

**November 2014**

The month he turned 22 marked a big turning point in Yuuri's career.

He medalled at a Grand Prix Event.

For the 2014-2015 season he’d been drawn for Skate Canada and the NHK Trophy. The run up to the Grand Prix Series had been the best few months of his skating career. Everything had seemed to click for him at long last. Yuri had spent months honing his footwork having at long last invested a decent amount of time watching his own performances back and noting to himself that his footwork was amongst the best of the current crop of top flight skaters. Having worked himself to the bone with regards to his footwork he could now cover the ice with a finesse he’d never thought he could possess, and with every minute movement of his feet consigned to muscle memory, it freed up more of his head space up to work on other elements like his jumps – which were still causing him grief.

A year on from learning the quad toe loop, Yuuri’s jump repertoire hadn’t expanded to include a second quad. He’d attempted to land a quad salchow once, flubbing it badly and tweaking a muscle when he’d fallen. Celestino had advised him to focus on improving his toe loop and combination jumps for the time being.

This decision to focus on refining and concentrating on a few elements ended up giving him a technical edge as he picked up crucial points through skating his elements as cleanly as he could. Skate Canada had been a dream for him and he’d finally found himself in his ideal head space mid-competition, allowing him to pull off his quad toe loop during his free skate with a fluidity that he rarely managed even during practice.

The resulting scores of 162.47 and 81.21 had seen him take home a bronze, with Cao Bin taking the silver and Chris winning gold.

While he had been criticised for a lack of artistic vision in his routines – he was still leaving the themes and choreography up to Celestino after all – he was applauded for how much he’d refined his raw skills.

With a shiny medal as tangible proof of his abilities as a skater, and with growing confidence in himself, he tried to approach the NHK Trophy with the same gusto, wanting to improve on his new personal bests in front of a home crowd, and a medal at the NHK might just get him to the Grand Prix Final.

The NHK Trophy was being held in Osaka but despite the distance his mother, father, sister, Minako, Yuu-chan, Nishigori and the triplets all managed to make it to cheer him on. His family had made the frankly shocking decision to close the onsen for a few days, while Minako had left her new bar in the hands of her assistant manager. Yuuri was happy to see the triplets, having only ever seen them in person when they were babies. Axel, Lutz and Loop would be turning four soon, which Yuuri could scarcely believe, and Yuuri also got the chance to apologise in person for missing Yuuko and Nishigori’s wedding. Yuu-chan told him he had nothing to apologise for.

But, overwhelmed by seeing his family and friends, and overwhelmed by the location and the added pressure to turn in a top performance after Skate Canada, Yuuri crumbled.

The night before his short program he’d been up sick through the night, with the sickness being so violent that Celestino had wondered if he’d had food poisoning. Yuuri assured him that wasn’t the case and he battled through his short program the next day, losing points when his footwork wasn’t as clean as usual, and when his quad turned itself into a triple. The next day his anger and despair at himself over his short program ended his chances of qualifying for the Grand Prix Final. After completely missing a jump and falling heavily during his free skate he finished dead last.

Yuuri had gone from the highest high of his career to his lowest point in the space of a few weeks.

His mother, father and sister – their skating knowledge somewhat lacking – were in awe having seen him skate in person and lavished praise on him, but Yuu-chan and Minako were more understanding about Yuuri’s upset at the NHK Trophy. Still they advised him not to be too hard on himself. Nishigori who hadn’t attended the actual competition but had instead been stuck in a hotel room keeping the triplets amused echoed their advice.

Celestino had told Yuuri he could take a few personal days in Osaka to reconnect with his family and friends, but he’d declined, opting to get back to Detroit as soon as possible, not wanting to stay in Japan having let his country down.

Having ran back to Detroit, Yuuri retreated from the rink and decided to focus on his studies for the time being, ignoring the deep pain his failure in Osaka had brought him. Once again he’d missed the chance to compete alongside Victor who had instead been assigned to the Rostelecom Cup and the Cup of China.

Yuuri had been so focused on his own skating, determined to make it to the final that he hadn’t checked in on the forum in ages. Suffice it to say he already knew Victor had again won two golds and was hot favourite to win the Grand Prix, but Yuuri hadn’t even watched his skates. The forum was full of videos of the routines and there had been an uptick in traffic, with lots of people commenting on just how good Victor was. How they expected great things of Victor at every turn and how he always delivered.

One thread on the forum caught his eye however, simply entitled “Ouch!”, Yuri opened the thread and was horrified by what he saw.

It was a video of his free skate fall in Osaka.

Yuuri had seen stuff about himself on the forum before, but had always resolved to never read it. This time however he couldn’t stop himself, and he began to read the comments from a number of forum members underneath the video link.

 _Now THAT was painful to witness!_ _He nearly hit his head off the ice!_

 _I don’t know what Katsuki was playing at. He’s been all over the place this season. You never know which Katsuki is going to be on the ice_. _It makes him a tough skater to root for and follow because he’s so frustrating to watch._

_He’s still at college. How can he expect to compete with the likes of Nikiforov and Leroy when he clearly lacks the dedication needed._

_I know, right! Viktor is married to the rink. Could you imagine Viktor winning gold if he had exams and coursework to think about?_

_Katsuki’s so selfish! He thinks he can have it both ways – study and skate – doesn’t work like that! It should be all or nothing!_

_And he’s so inconsistent. I mean I feel for the guy. He can do a quad but he’s not going to progress further. I think he’ll last another season but he’s never going to be a real challenger._

_Yeah, he’ll never be in the top five at a season’s end._

_I was happy for him at Skate Canada, but I think that was fluke._

_Definitely – that bronze was his five minutes of fame._

Yuuri was horrified by what he was reading. The forum members were writing him off as an ‘also-ran’ and predicting the end of his career.

Yuuri tried to put the comments to the back of his mind while he moderated some flagged posts elsewhere on the forum – mostly spam, and one idiot who he and Makkachinfan decided to ban following some rather vulgar comments about a pair of ice dancers who were rumoured to have become an item.

Having spoken to Makkachinfan prior to deciding to ban the member permanently, talk drifted as always to skating.

_I’d love to say it’s been an exciting Grand Prix series so far but it’s all a bit, I don’t know the right English word for it. It’s been a bit ‘meh’?_

Yuuri tried to cheer Makkachinfan up while trying to forget about his own dismal showing.

_Ah, but Viktor’s clear favourite to win!_

This didn’t cheer Makkachinfan up.

_Big deal. It’s so predictable that Viktor will win, but does he really look to you like’s he’s skated his best this season? He’s looking almost bored these days._

Yuuri disagreed, feeling that Viktor’s programs were just as amazing as ever.

_I don’t think he is. He’s skating head and shoulders above everyone!_

Makkachinfan still held a different opinion.

_I guess…I just. I don’t know. I think he’s missing his edge this season, despite his scores._

Yuuri’s thoughts turned towards himself for a moment as he typed his response.

_Hmm…maybe if he had better competition…_

Makkachinfan, not seeing the competition through the prism of ‘also-ran’ Katsuki Yuuri had a different opinion.

_But Giacometti and Bin and Leroy are amazing skaters!_

_That’s true, but other than that…_

Yuuri was pushing a little, hoping to gain some sort of insight into his own performance from a trusted source – Makkachinfan knew his skating after all, but Makkachinfan didn’t know he was talking to Katsuki Yuuri.

_There’s some really good skaters that could pressure Viktor, I just know it. Popovich hasn’t hit his peak yet and there’s a lot of good skaters with a ton of room to grow, like Crispino and Lee and Katsuki._

Yuuri was stunned to see his own name included in that short list.

 _You rate Katsuki?_ Yuuri wrote, unable to help himself.

_Yeah, he was just unlucky this year. I feel like sending him a good luck charm or something because the poor guy just can’t catch a break. KnifeShoes thinks there’s no hope for him but I disagree._

Yikes.

Later that evening Yuuri struggled to put the forum posts out of his head, and instead found them swimming in front of his eyes. He knew there were trolls on the forums, many of whom would cause arguments in empty houses, but the criticisms still stung.

Then again they might have a point about his lack of dedication.

Skaters – and other athletes – could approach education in a variety of ways. Some gave up on education entirely, using tutors to finish school and postponing or forsaking higher education altogether. Others would take a few years out to concentrate on either their studies or their skating. And some like Yuuri tried to tackle both at the same time. He thought about the rest of the pack of top skaters. How had they done it?

Victor was an easy one. As far as he knew Victor had been taught mostly by tutors and had never gone to university. Judging by the way Victor was living his life, Yuuri reasoned education wasn’t high on his list of priorities – he’d almost certainly have TV offers galore when he retired.

Chris had famously gotten accepted on to an engineering course at the prestigious ETH Zurich only to continually defer entry. His acceptance had surprised everyone – especially those in the skating world who’d written him off as an airhead.

Jean-Jacques Leroy. Well, not that Yuuri knew for certain but he surmised that JJ would probably spend his life in the family business, and do what his parents had done by switching skating for coaching after his best competitive years were behind him.

Yuri wasn’t actually sure about most of the other skaters at the top right now, but google would help. He quickly discovered that a lot of them had no educational details available online, but there had been the odd skater who’d taken a season off to study before returning to the sport. Others had done the reverse. One French skater had done the initial year of his degree, then returned to skating for a few years, winning a few competitions before retiring and finishing his degree.

Should Yuuri consider doing that? He was almost halfway through his final year and the workload combined with his skating was proving a difficult balancing act. Celestino had even had to chew him out when he’d fallen sound asleep in the locker room one afternoon, exhausted from an all-nighter the night before.

If Yuuri put off his final semester for a year, would that give him enough slack to work with? Yuuri tried to think through how it would work: He’d finish up at Christmas and then have the whole of 2015 to play with. He could then return to Mercy and finish up his degree in early 2016 and get back to skating just months later.

But would his professors be happy? Would they let him do this? He’d only just really began to lay the foundations for his thesis. In fact he’d only really gotten so far as to hand in a chapter plan and a statement to his advisor. Still at least he had a clear idea about what he wanted to do for his thesis and although he planned on conducting interviews for part of it and planned to spend time with a local community group to do some research, he hadn’t actually reached out to his potential research subjects yet so nothing was set in stone and his topic wasn’t time-sensitive.

Yuuri decided for once he'd be bold - he'd postpone his final semester and defer graduating for a year. He'd give his all to his skating and he'd take chances he hadn't taken in the past.

Yes, the 2015 - 16 season would be his best, he'd make sure of it. Ketty from his English seminar group at Mercy had already expressed an interest in composing something for him for a routine, so he could see if she was still interested, and he could have a go at choreographing parts of his routine himself if Celestino approved.

And he'd nail that Quad Salchow, he was certain of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter covers a lot more time than the previous couple of chapters. This one is far more focused on Yuuri's career as he's that little bit older. Made 2013 - 14 a lot shorter because the 2015 season is something I want to spent a bit more time on in this story!
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and the comments on the previous chapter!!


	5. 2015 - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's make or break season doesn't get off to the best start...

**February 2015**

“Thank you Ketty, this means a lot!” Yuuri smiled widely as the young musician handed over the CD.

“I hope you’ll like it. I followed your brief, so I’ve kept the piece quite simple and stripped down. If you want I can rework it with more instruments or a more complex melody, if you need me to of course.”

“I’m sure it’ll sound amazing Ketty, thank you so much for this.”

Yuuri smiled and put the CD in his bag, keen to get back to his room and listen to it.

Ketty Abelashvili was a theatre student studying at Mercy who was in the same English seminar group as Yuuri. Ketty hailed from Georgia and although her English was excellent she’d opted to improve her fluency in English while in America much like Yuuri had. Ketty didn’t really watch figure skating, or know anything about it, but she’d been so interested in hearing all about Yuuri’s career when he’d mentioned skating to her.

Ketty was one of the few good friends he’d made at college and the fact she’d written this music just for him made him feel valued in a way he wasn’t sure he deserved.

“So, what’s the chances of the composition being used for one of your routines this season?”

“Pretty good. The final choice is down to my coach though – he’ll be doing most of my choreography so it’s his decision.”

“Well, like I said, if either of you need the composition reworked in any way, please email me!”

“I will do, and good luck for this semester!”

“Good luck for this season! I don’t think English class will be the same without you!”

Yuuri had told Celestino (or Ciao Ciao as Phichit now called him), that he’d had music composed, so he decided he better get Celestino’s opinion on the piece as soon as possible.

Yuuri quite liked it, although he didn’t think it was perfect, and had already decided he’d asked Ketty to try and pick up the tempo on it towards the end. He hoped Celestino would like it, so he made a flying visit to his coach’s house that evening to drop off the CD. Celestino usually met Yuuri on his morning jog along the Detroit River so they agreed to meet as usual so that Celestino could give him his verdict.

Like clockwork they met at the river at 7am, with Celestino producing the CD.

“So, it was a friend of yours who composed this demo?”

“Yes, she’s doing a degree in Theatre focusing on music. She’s in my English class.”

“It’s an impressive piece though it could use some tweaking.”

Yuuri was silent. He knew what changes he wanted to make, but he wanted to hear what Celestino’s thoughts were.

“Well?” was his coach’s response.

Yuuri nodded, “If you think so, coach.”

Celestino narrowed his eyes a little and sighed, “You think you can win with this music?”

_He must hate it._

Yuuri swallowed what he’d been planning to say to Celestino, instead meekly responding “Please choose the music for me after all, coach.”

Celestino sent a sad grimace in his student’s direction, but Yuuri couldn’t quite understand what Celestino was getting at. Was the music really that far off the mark that he was pitying his student for liking it, or was he irritated that Yuuri was leaving the decision up to his coach again? Yuuri had no idea.

He broke the news to Ketty the next day. She seemed to take it quite well, but he was left so embarrassed by what had happened that he all but stopped speaking to her, worried he’d damaged their friendship.

* * *

 

**April 2015**

It was a regular practice day, but Yuuri was trying to keep his anger to himself. After six weeks of trying, Celestino had told him to give up on the Quad Salchow for now.

Yuuri was disappointed in his coach for telling him to give up, and he was angry at himself for not being able to do it at all. He could do three and a half rotations, but he’d never landed it. It would be a lot of time and energy to master it and add it to his routines and Yuuri was berating himself for the time he'd wasted.

Instead he was to do slow gentle moves and work on some step sequences while Celestino spent a few hours with Phichit. The rink was busy with a number of skate club members and Yuuri was thankful it was a competition sized rink so he could avoid skating into other people. At the far end Lacey was teaching a class of five and six year olds the basics and it reminded him of Ice Castle and of Yuu-chan’s constant encouragement even when he’d barely learned to move forward in a straight line. These kids were similar to how he’d been – wide-eyed and eager to impress their teacher.

Unlike Yuuri however, these kids would be learning Ice Dancing or Figure Skating techniques from a much younger age. Yuuri had been enrolled in Ice Skating classes by his mother when Ice Castle had been threatened with closure. He’d become a competent skater, easily the best in his little class, but he’d never given a though to advancing further. It was only when Minako had opened her ballet school and Yuuri had been enrolled there that Minako mentioned Yuuri might do well learning to figure skate. As a result he’d been a relative late starter to figure skating in the proper sense. Others in the Grand Prix Series like JJ had been skating since they’d been toddlers. These kids could end up like JJ if they stuck with the sport, but it was more likely they’d end up playing hockey.

Elsewhere on the rink were the ice dancers Iona and Jacob. Both aged 18, they had been practicing some of their lifts for their first year of senior competition. Yuuri loved to watch them, marvelling at any of the pair skaters and the complete trust they placed in their partners. Yuuri doubted he could ever trust someone else on the ice as much.

“Yuuri!” came a shout from the stands.

Oh, it was Alice.

Alice was Coach Lacey’s 20 year-old daughter. A hip injury from horse riding had left her unable to pursue skating, but she now worked at the rink cleaning the off-ice areas and answering the calls and emails the club received. She was always very friendly towards Yuuri, but Yuuri found her a bit clingy and he tried to avoid her as a result.

“Hello Alice!”

“How’s your program coming together?”

“Oh, uh…It’s getting there slowly but surely. It’ll all come together in the end!”

“I’d love to see your Quad Salchow! Phichit told me you were working on it.”

“Eh…maybe next season?” Yuuri tried to smile at her but it came out as more of a wince.

“Aw, that’s a shame! It’s been so long since you mastered the Quad Toe-loop I thought you’d have another quad by now!”

Yuuri tried to smile through gritted teeth, “Hmm, you’d think so, wouldn’t you.”

As Yuuri tried to extricate himself from Alice’s attention, he heard a commotion on the rink and turned round in time to see Jacob drop Iona. It was a bad drop and Yuuri watched in slow motion and Iona’s elbow hit the ice at full force at the same time as one of her skates caught Jacob's face. Iona and Jacob both shouted as they fell and landed in a heap on the ice.

Lacey was over in an instant to tend to the two. Celestino told Phichit to go and get the kids off the rink.

“Alice, help Phichit,” Lacey told her daughter.

“Yuuri - ambulance.” Celestino knew without asking that Yuuri would have his phone with him, even if he was supposed to keep it off the rink.

With Lacey staying behind to close the skate club down for the rest of the day and keep a watch on the kids until their parents arrivved, Yuuri had found himself accompanying Jacob and Iona to hospital.

Iona had dislocated her shoulder and elbow, and Jacob’s cheek had been torn by Iona’s skate. More concerning though was that Jacob seemed to have his hit head on the ice as he went down and he’d been sent for a scan.

Celestino had been in and out of the hospital, calling both skaters’ parents as well as their own coach who was making her way in to the hospital, leaving Yuuri stuck with Alice who’d come along to support the pair.

Yuuri was worried by what he’d seen – it was a really bad fall and he was concerned about both their injuries and the damage this could do to their confidence.

“I’m sure they’ll be okay. Yuuri,” Alice smiled, “I wouldn’t worry too much.”

A few hours later Iona was discharged, on strict instruction to stay off the ice for the next two weeks at least. Jacob hadn’t been so lucky – not long after getting stitches for the gash on his face he’d started babbling nonsense and had been sent for an additional scan. Yuuri had heard Celestino using the word edema while on the phone. Jacob’s parents lived in Salt Lake City so it would take them a long time to get to Detroit, but Yuuri understood they’d headed straight to the airport when they’d got the call.

“You should go home Yuuri,” Celestino sighed, “You too Alice. Jacob’s not allowed visitors right now and I’m not leaving yet anyway.”

“I can’t leave him Celestino. I don’t know him all that well, but it doesn’t feel right if not one of his rink mates is here for him.”

“Okay, it’s your call.”

A short time later Yuuri went to buy coffee for both he and Alice and found himself alone in the waiting room when he returned. He set the coffees down on a table and began pacing the waiting room, every worst-case scenario going through his head regarding Jacob. He was stopped in his pacing by Alice who’d appeared and softly grabbed at his arm.

“I’d only gone out to call my mom. I know you’re worried, but you need to calm down.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri mumbled.

“It’s okay,” Alice smiled, wrapping her arms around Yuuri to hug him.

The sudden physical contact with Alice alarmed Yuuri who froze for a second before roughly pushing her away.

“Yuuri?!” She said sounding hurt and confused.

“I…I’m so sorry I just. I…I don’t like people touching me.”

“I was only trying to help you calm down. You seem so upset and stuck in your own head space so I was only trying to help.”

“I’m perfectly fine in my own head space,” Yuuri retorted very quickly, immediately regretting it.

“Oh. Is that how it is,” Alice reached down to pick up her coffee before heading for the door, “I was only waiting around to make sure you were okay, since I can’t go in and see Jacob. But if you’re fine on your own I think I’ll just go home!”

“Alice, no wait,” Yuuri tried to shout as she left.

Now on his own, Yuuri sat cradling his coffee feeling very small indeed.

 

* * *

 

  **May 2015**

Yuuri could not believe his bad luck. He’d made the Grand Prix series again. But once again he wasn’t given any assignments where Viktor would be.

Viktor was going to be at Skate America and the Cup of China, while Yuuri was going to be at the Trophée Éric Bompard and the NHK Trophy.

Phichit was even more miserable than Yuuri however, having failed to be selected and being relegated to the ISU Challenger Series for another season. Yuuri could sympathise as he’d been in the same situation for a few seasons. The Challenger Series was in its second year and was composed of several individual events that predated the series, a number of which Yuuri had competed in in years gone by. The Challenger Series was still very prestigious but for skaters aiming for the top it was an agonisingly small step away from where they needed to be.

Despite the misfortune of Yuuri’s assignments, his routines were coming together quite nicely. He’d had a bit more input into his choreography than usual and he’d been praised by the skate club for his free skate’s step sequences. In other rink news both Iona and Jason had made full recoveries, and both were back on the rink. Jason had had a particularly bad concussion after the fall, but the pair were determined to make their senior debut despite what had happened.

News from home wasn’t quite so good however. His mother reported that Yu-Topia had suffered a particularly bad year and had barely broken even. Mari had dumped her boyfriend and had moved back home, and worryingly, Vicchan was starting to show his age.

His parents had finally invested in a laptop which had a webcam so he was now able to talk to his parents, Mari and Vicchan on a regular basis, rather than just the odd occasions they'd skyped him from Yuuko or Minako’s.

Vicchan was bouncing and yapping when he saw Yuuri on the screen, but Yuuri could hear that his bark had weakened a little and that he had white hairs appearing in his coat. At ten years old Vicchan wasn’t particularly old for a toy poodle, but he’d been diagnosed with arthritis at a young age and had some other health issues.

Yuuri and his parents talked about various things, including his decision to defer graduating, something they weren’t thrilled about but understood. Towards the end of the call Hiroko asked Toshiya if she could speak to Yuuri on his own.

When his father had left the room, Hiroko's expression grew more serious.

“Vicchan’s really not been well at all Yuuri. I’m afraid we might have a difficult decision to make about him soon.”

“But he looks fine,” Yuuri lied, not wanting to acknowledge what his mother was implying.

Hiroko sighed, “I know this is a crucial time for you, but I think it might be a good idea for you to come home, even for a week. I know you miss Vicchan and the visit would be good for him too.”

“I was assigned to the NHK trophy, so I am planning on coming home for a few days then.”

“Yuuri…I don’t want to be blunt, but that might be too late for Vicchan.”

Yuuri sighed and bit his bottom lip. Getting home at short notice would be costly, and his mother had a tendency to worry about things that might or might not happen while being oblivious to all the stuff she should actually stress about. Vicchan would still be about in November, he’d make sure to see him then.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Yuuri said, knowing it might prove impossible.

 

* * *

 

**June 2015**

His routines were set, his theme was set. Yuuri was all go for the coming season. He’d decided to go with a seasonal theme for both of his routines. His short program outfit consisted of emerald green pants with an emerald green top covered with sequins, and a green jacket with pink, purple and emerald rhinestones on the shoulders and sleeves to represent spring. Celestino had chuckled when he’d seen it, calling Yuuri the most fabulous Leprechaun he’d ever seen. Phichit had taken a look at the green and suggested he get a bowl cut to complete his ‘Springtime of Youth’ look. Obviously Yuuri had missed a joke there but Phichit thought it was hysterical.

The green outfit didn’t inspire much confidence however, ripping at the butt during Yuuri’s first dress run. Phichit calling him bubble butt after that incident hadn’t helped, and the younger skater had apologised profusely when he realised he’d touched a nerve.

Yuuri had always struggled with his weight. Being a competitive skater necessitated being trim – it was just safer when you were performing such difficult maneouvres on as dangerous a canvas as ice to be that little bit lighter. If he weren’t an athlete Yuuri wouldn’t have cared about his tendency to put on a little extra weight, but he couldn’t afford that attitude while competing. As he’d gotten past 20 he’d found the weight was getting more and more difficult to keep off, so his suit ripping and that comment had been difficult to take. Phichit of course was built like a stick and ate like a horse.

To be honest most figure skaters ate a lot more than the average person. The brutal training regimes they adhered to pushed their bodies to the limit and helped increase their metabolism. None of them were anywhere near the American swimmer Michael Phelps’ gut-busting 12,000 calorie daily intake, but Yuuri sometimes thought Phichit wasn’t that far off it at times.

Yuri had tried so many exercise regimens over the years it was quite remarkable. At times he’d joined in Celestino’s training for his endurance events, even taking part in the Detroit Marathon one year (Celestino beat him by 20 minutes…). Surprisingly the exercise that had helped him most had been pole dancing, something he’d started after being caught staring at the poster for the classes by the woman who was running them. Pole dancing was great for cardio, building up core strength and also weight loss, and it was a lot of fun in itself. It was also his dirty secret – not even Phichit knew about the pole dancing.

With his planned costume unwearable (even if he repaired it he’d never have confidence in it), he’d had to make do with a generic blue one with a weird mesh pattern on the top half split by a jagged diagonal band. It didn’t suit his theme, and the unpatterned arms made it look like he was wearing a shrug over his costume, but he decided to stick with it, if only so he wasn’t bothering the costumers more than he had to.

His free skate costume was absolutely fine. It was designed to represent an icy cold winter and looked like an electric blue suit jacket over a white top with an icy flame motif. He wasn’t keen on the ruffles at the ends of the sleeves, but he knew it was little details like that that would make his outfit stand out. With his short program outfit being so bland, he’d put up with sleeve ruffles for his free skate.

* * *

 

**July 2015**

“So you’re not coming?” Yuuri’s mother sighed sadly over Skype.

“I tried to cost it, but on the weeks I could get away the flights were just too expensive.”

They really had been, with most being around the eye-watering $3,000 mark.

“I’d had a look at some flights for you and I couldn’t fine cheap ones either,” Hiroko frowned.

“I’ll keep trying. I’ll let you know if I get anywhere.”

Feeling like he’d let his family down by not getting back when they’d asked him to, and feeling generally low, Yuuri requested a couple of days off from training just to rest and destress. Celestino allowed him the break.

With a couple of days to just chill he found himself falling into old habits. He made Katsudon from scratch in the communal kitchen and hid in his dorm while trying to will his mind back to that of his teenage self. He logged onto Viktor’s forum – something he’d barely done in the last number of months.

Luckily – or unluckily – the forum was mostly dead these days so there were only a few spambot threads to delete. He found to his relief that Makkachinfan and KnifeShoes were still kicking about on the forum, as always.

 _Is your dog okay?_ Makkachinfan asked.

_I think it’s just old age, but it’s so difficult being so far from home._

_I absolutely love dogs (as if my username wasn’t a dead giveaway!)._

_Same._ KnifeShoes joined in, _I’ve got four of them. Love them all. Don’t know what I’ll do when they go over Rainbow Bridge_ _☹_

Yuuri didn’t want to dwell on it.

_Same. Any way I came on here to escape and reminisce, back to this site’s heyday. How are we thinking this season will shape up?_

_Apparently both of Viktor's routines are shaping up to be something extremely special._ KnifeShoes informed them. _He’s apparently been concentrating on his jumps in practice so I can’t wait to see what he’s going to do!_

If Viktor was working on his jumps, Yuuri hoped Viktor would be having more luck than he’d had with his Quad Salchow.

_Hmm…As much as I’m obviously invested in Viktor’s career. I’m really excited about some of the competition this year. Leroy is in fine form, even if he’s a bit…y’know._

_You can say it. He’s a bit of an ass. This Canadian can take it._ KnifeShoes posted, making Yuuri chuckle.

 _I think Giacometti’s looking good for this season, and Cao Bin too._ Yuuri added.

 _I think the two to watch are actually Katsuki and Altin._ Makkachinfan stated.

There was his name again, oh boy.

 _Altin? The miserable looking kid?_ KnifeShoes posted sounded confused.

Makkachinfan responded, _Yeah. It’s only his second season as a senior but he has the skills. I do wish he’d smile sometime though. He looks permanently pissed off._

Yuuri again couldn’t help himself. _And Katsuki? What makes him stick out?_

 _He’s a bit of a wild card,_ Makkachinfan began before elaborating. _I mean he’s a born performer and you just know we’ve not seen the best of him yet. But he is so inconsistent. It makes him riveting to watch and you really want to root for him, but at the same time you’re kind of watching him skate through your fingers so you can quickly look away when he screws up a jump._

 _My wife thinks he’s hot,_ KnifeShoes posted, _She says I can keep my man crush on Viktor as long as she gets to crush on Yuuri. What about you guys? Any mad skater crushes this season?_

Yuuri thought about it and only Viktor came to mind. _Just Viktor I think._

 _I don’t really get crushes on skaters,_ Makkachinfan typed, _If I had to pick? Hmm…I think Popovich._

 _WTF?!?!_ Was KnifeShoes response.

_You can relax – it was a joke!_

* * *

After the hiccups with his costume, his failure to land a Quad Salchow and his worries over Vicchan’s health, the rest of Yuuri’s season preparations actually went better than he'd expected. Celestino was particularly pleased with his free skate, and while giving the skate club a preview of what they could expect this season, they’d all been singing his praises. Phichit’s program was similarly well received and Yuuri realised that next year the Thai skater would be in direct competition with him. Phichit might not have any quads yet, but he was world class and Yuuri would bet money on him making it into to the Grand Prix series next season. At present they’d only competed against each other at the Four Continents – an event that Phichit had never done all that well in, and in which Yuuri had only ever won a solitary bronze medal. Competing against each other in a full series of events would be something to look forward to. Phichit’s season would start with the Asian Open in August while Yuuri’s would start with his first ever appearance at the Japan Open in October, at the insistence of the Japanese Skating Federation. He was also hoping it would give him the chance to get back to Hasetsu if only for a few days. It would probably be the only way he could see his family and Vicchan before the NHK Trophy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of the 2015-6 season chapters. This and the next chapter (which will be up very soon) were pretty difficult to write, fitting in canon events alongside a lot of pure skating talk! The most difficult bit was the accident at the skate club and I'm not entirely happy with how that turned out to be honest.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think!


	6. 2015 - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's see-saw of a season continues with new highs and new lows...

**October 2015**

What a month.

Despite all the hiccups at the start of the year, Yuuri’s 2015-16 season had gotten off to a great start.

Phichit had only just missed the podium at the Asian Open – much better than the skating pundits had been predicting. Phichit’s happiness at coming fourth and his determination to do even better in the Challenger series had strengthened Yuuri’s own resolve.

He’d arrived at the Japan Open full of energy and ready to go.

The Japan Open was somewhat different from most other competitions – competitors would only perform their free skate, and their score would be added to a cumulative team score to produce an overall winner. Yuuri was one of two senior male competitors on Team Japan, the other being Inoue-san who was bowing out for good after this season. Yuuri had given a performance that almost matched his personal best score-wise, but also won rave reviews from critics for his artistry and the ease he’d seemed to skate with. Some of the top-flight skaters had even tweeted about his performance, with Chris tweeting his congrats to Yuuri on a fine performance. Yuuri’s free skate helped lead Team Japan to victory, giving Yuuri his first gold medal. The victory was made even sweeter by the fact he’d scored higher than Georgi Popovich who was one of Russia’s representatives at the event.

The aftermath had been somewhat less enjoyable. Yuuri had already promised to visit Hasetsu and his family were gearing up to welcome him. Celestino had even indicated he might want to tag along and see Hasetsu too.

But the Japanese Skating Federation had other ideas.

Before he knew it, his post-competition days off had been taken up by meetings with senior officials and the Federation’s own coaching team. He was assessed on the ice on everything from the most basic skills to his proficiency at various jumps (and how often they were landed successfully). The officials argued that Yuuri hadn’t kept in touch as much as they would like, and they had to see their money’s worth for all the financial support they’d given him in grants and equipment. Mercifully he passed their tests, but next was his profile as a skater.

The Federation was concerned at Yuuri’s lack of social media presence, especially with Inoue Akito retiring.

Of course, Yuuri had social media accounts, but they were personal, and never attached to his own name. He didn’t want to have a public one - it would cause too much anxiety, but the Federation was insistent. After putting him through an embarrassing photoshoot where he was clad in the latest Mizuno-sponsored Team Japan apparel, he was all but frogmarched to a computer where an official made sure at the very least he had a twitter account and an Instagram. Yuuri was then made to give an interview to a skating magazine. The whole experience was cringeworthy, and it cost him his last free day in Japan.

Celestino meanwhile had made it to Hasetsu in his stead and had sent him pictures of him relaxing with Yuuri’s family, even sending pictures of he, Hiroko and Mari walking Vicchan along the beach.

He knew Celestino meant well, showing him pictures of his family looking happy, but rather than cheering him up, he’d felt a rare and overwhelming wave of homesickness.

Feeling tears building as he walked out of the federation’s headquarters, he knew he had to do something to avoid the humiliation of crying in public. It didn’t take him long to find a Donburi restaurant and he quickly ordered the biggest Katsudon he could find.

As he scoffed his way through the bowl, the strangest thing happened – one of the servers started squinting at him as if in recognition.

“Excuse me, but are you Katsuki Yuuri? The Figure Skater?”

Aware of how miserable he looked, and very aware that he literally had some egg on his face, Yuuri panicked.

“Oh no, sorry! I don’t think I’d be able to eat this delicious Katsudon if I was!”

The server continued squinting at him, “Hmm…Just a coincidence, what with the Sports Centre only being a short walk away…And with your accreditation hanging around your neck.”

Yuuri blushed bright red and scrambled to find an explanation, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me, it’s just my coach wouldn’t be impressed if he found out I was eating something like this.”

Well how was the server supposed to know that his coach was several hundred miles away!

Mercifully the server gave him an amused and knowing smile.

“Don’t worry, you’re not the first athlete to slope in here for some unhealthy comfort food – your secret is safe with us!”

Despite the server’s attitude, Yuuri’s mood slipped further, and he finished his bowl as quickly as he could, thanked the server for their hospitality and sloped off to his hotel.

Back at the hotel he felt miserable. After stripping the mini-fridge of its contents, he felt bloated and ashamed. He was an elite skater. He’d just helped his country win a gold medal. Why was he binge-eating hotel snack food?

* * *

A week later Yuuri was back in Detroit, hamster-sitting for Phichit who was taking part in the Finlandia Trophy. Phichit’s new hamsters Carly, Rae and Jepsen weren’t quite so well behaved as Torvill, Dean and Steve had been, but they didn’t seem to poo as much, which was a good thing Yuuri supposed, even if the names were a bit embarrassing to explain to people.

Despite his recent success at the Japan Open, Yuuri was not feeling good at all. His binge-eating had continued, and he’d put on four pounds in a single week. After years of – mostly – careful eating, even the slightest indulgence could have an effect. It was silly really – he’d last had problems with food when he’d been at school when he’d been skipping lunch to go to the gym, but Celestino was strict with what his skaters could eat and when. As such Yuuri had eaten healthily and regularly for several years and it had done wonders for his fitness and his energy levels. But lying in his room feeling fat wasn’t going to get him anywhere, so he decided he’d just have to do some more exercise and try to resist temptation.

* * *

  **Late October 2015**

The Grand Prix series finally got underway a few weeks after Phichit returned from the Finlandia Trophy proudly brandishing the gold medal that would almost certainly see him join the Grand Prix next season.

The first event was Skate Canada. It was also to be the debut of Viktor’s new routines.

Yuuri and Phichit held a mini viewing party in their room and were joined by Leo. The young American skater had departed Detroit some time ago but was back in town for some extra help with his Junior Grand Prix program from Celestino. Leo had progressed amazingly well over the last few seasons and at the age of seventeen he was undoubtedly in his final Junior year. Yuuri liked Leo, but in the past their age difference had made friendship awkward. Phichit however was that little bit younger than Yuuri and had been able to foster a close friendship with the American.

The three of them sat on Yuuri’s bed, eating healthy-ish snack foods, checking social media and sharing funny skating stories.

While Leo was telling them about the time he and Guang Hong had wandered off and gotten lost at a competition in Poland, only for the public transport network to shut down due to heavy snow, Yuuri decided to open his laptop and check in with Makkachinfan and KnifeShoes on their group chat.

“I swear we walked for miles along that road, sticking our thumbs out in the hope of hitchhiking back to the arena!” Leo chuckled, “Our coaches were livid with us!”

That was odd, Yuuri thought, not responding to Leo’s story. KnifeShoes was online as always, but there were no messages from Makkachinfan, and it looked like he hadn’t been on the forum since July. Makkachinfan and KnifeShoes were rarely online while competitions were airing on TV, but they both posted far more than he did.

_Hey Knife, looking forward to Skate Canada?_

_Can’t wait. I have several bottles of Molson Canadian lined up. Gotta root for the home boy JJ even if he is an embarrassment!_

Yuuri smiled at the statement. While JJ was popular with his own fanbase and those who casually followed the sport, the Canadian’s ego and lack of respect for some of his competitors had soured him to the other skaters’ fanbases.

 Yuuri started typing his response, _Me and a few rink-_

No, wait, he couldn’t type rink-mates.

_Me and a few friends are having a viewing party in our dorm. We’re all rooting for Viktor of course, but one of my friends has procured a Swiss Flag for Chris as well._

_Hmm…Apparently Swiss Chris has a really good program this year._

Yuuri checked that Phichit and Leo were in deep conversation before getting embroiled in a full conversation with Knife – if they found out he was hanging around on Viktor’s official forum he’d never live it down.

 _Any sign of Makkachinfan? I usually log on to a ton of memes from him but there’s nothing,_ Yuuri asked.

_I think he’s the latest victim of the forum exodus. He’s not been online since the summer. He had mentioned work being crazy and he did hint his interest in skating was waning, but I hadn’t expected him to go._

Neither had Yuuri.

 _I don’t even have an email address for him,_ Yuuri typed sadly.

_Me neither. We should swap emails in case this place gets shut down since it’s so quiet now!_

Oh fuck.

Yuuri had walked right into that one. Both his email addresses had his name in them.

_We should do! I’ll send you it later – my friends are accusing me of being antisocial since I’m on my laptop instead of speaking to them. Speak to you after the competition!_

_You too my friend!_

Yuuri closed his laptop and resolved to set up a new email account tonight before reaching forward to grab a banana.

Healthy snacks sucked.

“You done geeking out online Mrs Nikiforov?” Phichit winked.

“Very funny. I was just chatting to a friend, not fanboying,” Yuuri sighed.

“Sure you were!” Phichit grinned. 

* * *

 

Viktor was the second skater after Cao Bin’s impressive short program. Phichit, Leo and Yuuri cheered as the Russian emerged onto the ice.

His costume was beautiful, but had the feel of a uniform, with patterns resembling rank stripes on the cuffs shoulder patches. But the rest of the top was made of a deep blue, shimmering material and there were three strings of opalescent beads starting from the small of his back, dropping round his sides and finishing on a hem that sat right on his hip bone.

“I wish I was those beads…” Yuuri sighed in appreciation, causing Leo to choke on his drink and Phichit to start giggling.

Realising he’d spoken aloud, Yuuri flushed red, “No, no, no I mean his costume is really nice and- “

“It’s okay Yuuri, believe me we know what you were meaning!” Phichit continued giggling.

The three skaters quickly quietened as Victor began to skate. The music was bold and quite brassy for Victor and certainly a change from his usual. All three skaters kept their eyes peeled as Viktor prepared for his first jump –

– and watched in amazement as Viktor landed the first Quad Flip in Figure Skating history.

* * *

After initial giddy elation at their skating hero making history, Yuuri, Phichit and Leo began to reflect on what this would mean for other senior skaters.

“Just think – it wasn’t all that long ago that no skaters had quads at all!” Phichit whined, “I don’t have a single quad yet, what am I going to do!”

“Me neither,” sighed Leo.

“We’ll I’ve only got my Toe-Loop,” Yuuri mumbled.

“At least you’ve got one!” Phichit said, scowling at his friend, “I’m getting further and further behind the top skaters, it’s so frustrating.”

“You just won gold in Finland, Phichit!” Yuuri and Leo chorused.

They watched the rest of the coverage, thankful to be in a similar time zone to the event, before spending the rest of the evening watching stupid YouTube videos and laughing at memes.

The following day the three boys met up again, and watched once more as Viktor debuted his phenomenal new Free Skate – Aria: Stay Close to Me. The song was sung in Italian so none of the boys had any idea what the lyrics were, but it was a truly mesmerising routine – complete with a Quad Flip. Victor’s costume was beautiful, with a muted fuchsia suit jacket over a white shirt. The costume had several embellishments that vaguely reminded Yuuri of a Sergeant Pepper style jacket. The performance itself looked effortless and Viktor nailed every jump with well-practised ease. Yuuri was so caught up in the performance and the rousing music that he was taken aback by Leo’s observation.

“Look at his face – he looks so sad.”

“You’re right,” said Phichit, his voice full of concern.

Yuuri took his attention away from Viktor’s skating and focused on his expression. Leo was right, he really didn’t look happy. But Yuuri quickly dispelled the notion his idol was down in the dumps.

“It must be related to the lyrics, he’ll be acting sad.”

“But why pick something that would make him look miserable on purpose?” Phichit enquired.

“He’s an artist,” Leo said, full of admiration, “So who knows!”

Viktor cruised to an easy gold and afterwards gave an interview where he explained the inclusion of the Quad Flip into his routines.

_“Well, it had been a while since I’d last worked on a new quad and the timing just seemed right. If I’m perfectly honest I’m surprised to be the first to land the Quad Flip in competition!”_

Leo sighed, “Hmm…he gets bored with skating and alleviates his boredom by just casually makes skating history. We get bored and try something new we just end up with pulled ligaments and bruised egos,” 

Phichit however had another interpretation of Viktor’s comments, “I don’t think that’s boredom – he’s just issued a challenge to all the skaters in the Grand Prix – ‘if you want the gold off me you’re _really_ going to have to work for it’.”

Yuuri agreed with Phichit’s assessment – Yuuri didn’t think Viktor was bored of his own skating – he was bored of having no real competition. This was a call to arms. Viktor was pushing at his competitors hoping someone would push back.

* * *

 

**November 2015**

Skate Canada had gone ahead without any major upsets, with JJ getting gold, Chris getting silver and Inoue-san getting bronze.

The Cup of China had also failed to cause any upsets. Viktor won his second gold of the season with absolute ease and a massive points margin, with Cao Bin getting silver and Chris getting bronze.

Yuuri’s first assignment was the Trophée Éric Bompard in France. Several skaters this season had started trying to push their jumps in order to turn out new quads, but with little success, so Yuuri went into the French competition intent on playing it safe – he’d pick up every technical point he could with his other elements and would fine-tune the artistry of his routines.

The strategy paid off and Yuuri finished with a bronze, meaning he still had a chance of progressing to the final.

As he stood on the podium, knowing he’d have to do better at the NHK Trophy, Yuuri resolved to take a fresh look at his Quad Salchow when he got back to Detroit.

* * *

 Returning to Detroit was a surreal experience. Like every other skater in the top flight he’d had to get used to the odd encounter with the media. But unlike Viktor, Cao and Chris, he was never swamped by attention. He’d sometimes be asked to wait for a phone call from journalists back home and the conversation would be distilled down into a single paragraph or a quote in a skating magazine or newspaper.

So when he returned to Detroit to learn there were American journalists looking to interview him, and some fans wanting to meet him he was perplexed.

“You’re flavour of the month Yuuri!” Phichit shouted, “And your fans are so nice!!”

Suddenly a picture Phichit had posted while Yuuri had been waiting to board his flight home made sense – Phichit was standing with two girls and a giant onigiri plush.

“Then those girls?”

“Yup! Your fans! That article your federation made you do back home got posted online. You're so quiet and secretive that your Wikipedia page was just a stub until you gave that interview. Only the most dedicated fans knew you trained here and they could only find out by googling Ciao Ciao! but now there’s a whole page for you detailing where you train and what you’re studying!”

Phichit seemed to think this was a great thing.

Yuuri did not.

“Yuuri!” Celestino shouted walking into the locker room, “There’s a journalist here from the Detroit Citizen, they’re wanting to do a profile on you. Are you good to talk to them now?”

“Uh…I guess so?”

Before he knew it Yuuri was sat down with a reporter from the Citizen who was armed with a Dictaphone.

“Mr Katsuki, can I ask if your English is okay?”

Yuuri tried not to let the question irritate him, “It’s not my first language but I am fluent in it.”

“Ah good,” the woman smiled, turning her Dictaphone on.

Yuuri sat through the interview uncomfortably aware that his every word was being recorded and suddenly felt a wave of sympathy for some of his lecturers when he was a freshman and had recorded their every word to transcribe later. Yuuri gave the journalist some very bland answers, including when he was asked about home.

“It’s a nice town. It’s by the sea and we have a castle. We’re famous for our squid!”

“That’s nice,” the journalist said, “Now turning to the current season…You’re up against some amazing skaters. What are your thoughts on Viktor Nikiforov’s Quad Flip?”

Oh boy. How to answer this and not sound like he was member of the man’s fan club.

“It was a surprise to see anyone manage to land the Quad Flip this season, but I’m not surprised that it was Viktor Nikiforov who did it first. Just a few years ago some commentators were wondering if landing a Quad Flip was even possible.”

“And how do you think you and the rest of the skaters will react to Viktor’s Quad Flip over the course of this season?”

“I think it will inspire us all to work even harder and to try and improve our own jumps. Viktor’s an inspiration to so many of us. It’s a privilege to be in this sport at this level at the same time as him. He’s a big part of what drives some of us to do what we do.”

“An interesting answer, I think we have a fan!” The journalist smiled and clicked off her Dictaphone.

“That you so much for your time Mr Katsuki, it’s very much appreciated, and your profile and interview should be published on Friday!"

“Thank you,” Yuuri smiled back at her.

As the journalist left Yuuri thought back to his answers and felt his face begin to burn as he imagined the tagline:

_We talk to Japanese Skater, Squid Aficionado and Viktor Nikiforov Fanboy Yuuri Katsuki!_

What the hell! Why of all things had he brought up squid! What did Sashimi squid have to do with skating? Why had he fanboyed Viktor so transparently?!?!

“How did it go?!” Phichit shouted poking his head into the door of the office where the interview had taken place.

“Just kill me,” he whined.

* * *

 

“Stop stop stop!” Celestino bellowed across the rink.

Oops.

Celestino skated over to Yuuri, leaving Phichit alone and stuck in the stationary Half-Biellmann that Celestino had been trying to get him to do.

“No Quad Salchow Yuuri! I told you that before. You’ve got a good program and a really good chance of getting to final with what you’ve already got. The Salchow can come next season but leave it alone for the next couple of months.”

“But I’m so close coach, I know it.”

Celestino bit his bottom lip, “Yuuri, please listen to me. Don’t add the Quad Salchow to either of your routines at the NHK Trophy.”

“Ciao Ciao!” Phichit shouted from across the rink, “I don’t like this!”

“Phichit! What are you doing? Get out of that Half-Biellmann position!”

* * *

 

Yuuri and Phichit continued practicing that evening, long after the other skaters and Celestino had left for the night. After a number of attempts Celestino conceded that Phichit had been right – he just didn’t have the flexibility for the Half-Biellmann – he would need to work on other spins instead.

“He’s really not keen on you learning a second quad, huh,” Phichit remarked.

“It’s not that: He knows me. If I try it on the day of the competition and it doesn’t work, it’ll knock my confidence.”

“Can you land it yet?”

“Just about.”

“Then show me!” Phichit grinned.

Yuuri did a lap of the rink, building up the momentum he’d need to give the Quad Salchow a try. As he skated he willed himself not to overthink it like he usually did, reminding himself that he could do the triple with relative ease. Yuuri launched himself into the air and counted the rotations as he went before landing it cleanly, bringing one leg round to balance himself as he touched down on one foot.

He’d done it.

“Aaaah!” Phichit shouted, skating over to him, “You did it! Two Quads! That’s phenomenal!”

Yuuri allowed himself a giggle and then a full-on laugh as Phichit hugged him in celebration.

It had taken him long enough but he’d done it.

After a moment the two skaters heard footsteps at the side of the rink and noticed Celestino standing there, an unreadable expression on his face. Slowly a smile appeared, and he started clapping, showing his pride in his student.

“That was exceptional Yuuri, I’m sorry I doubted you.”

* * *

 

**Late November 2015**

Before Yuuri knew it, he was on his way to the NHK Trophy. This year it was being held in Nagano, so he’d booked flights to Fukuoka so he could go home and see his family when the competition ended. He didn’t know if anyone was going to be able to come and watch him this time around. Yuuko and Takeshi’s twins were a bit of handful these days and his parents had made the decision to let go of a couple of members of staff, making it more difficult to leave the onsen. He still hoped Minako would make it.

Yuuri had only managed to land the Quad Salchow once since his first clean attempt, so Celestino had told him to hold off – if possible he could add it into his routine at the final. It was a compromise Yuuri was happy to make as Celestino sounded like he fully expected Yuuri to make it to the final.

* * *

Soon after arriving in Nagano, he and Celestino booked into the hotel and Yuuri decided to check Facebook. Yuuko hadn’t updated in a day or so – she wasn’t as active these days. His mother didn’t have an account yet and his father had no interest, so he checked Mari’s to find her sole update was a link to the NHK Trophy, telling her friends to watch her amazing little brother when he was on TV. Yuuri was touched by that, but he could have done without the reminder his performances would be broadcast for everyone to see!

Yuuri couldn’t find any hint that anyone was coming to see him, so he checked Minako’s Facebook. Oddly she hadn’t been online in a few days, very un-Minako-like.

Resigned to having no-one there to cheer for him, Yuuri decided to suck it up. At the very least the Detroit Skate Club would be rooting for him, and he knew his friends and family back home would be sending him positive vibes.

Yuuri needn’t have worried about a lack of support. As he finished his Short Program the rink erupted, and the ice was soon festooned in plushies and flowers. He even chuckled with amusement at a plush squid that someone had thrown down before grabbing an onigiri plush to take with him to the Kiss & Cry. As he and Celestino sat down he noticed the smile on the Italian’s face.

“That’s about the best I’ve ever seen from you Yuuri!”

As his score came up he realised he’d just beaten his personal best by three points!

Things got even better when the rest of the field did their short programs and Yuuri realised he’d finished second.

All he needed to do tomorrow was skate well and he could medal and qualify for the Grand Prix Final.

* * *

 

The next day his run of good luck seemed to continue. He’d never been in such a good place during a competition. Unlike last season in Osaka he was determined to skate as cleanly as he could.

He resisted the temptation to add in a Quad Salchow, even though he was itching to.

The first half of his program went flawlessly, and he landed his first Quad Toe-Loop with a finesse that surprised him. Everything else went swimmingly until he entered the second half and popped a Triple Flip, only just managing two rotations and wobbling badly on the landing. One of his usually flawless spins drifted across the ice a little bit, which was another costly mistake alongside several smaller errors he’d made as his fatigue caught him off-guard.

The crowd didn’t seem to care as he finished to another round of applause and more plushies on the ice. As he waved his thanks to the crowd, he spied some familiar figures – his parents!

Yuuri sat with Celestino at the Kiss & Cry on tenterhooks. With this being the last competition of the Grand Prix series, Yuuri would find out very soon if he’d made the final.

Cao Bin was way out in front and was guaranteed to win the NHK Trophy, but it was wide open for silver and bronze. Yuuri listened as his score was announced – with two skaters still to go, he was sitting in second place.

Yuuri felt mildly appalled at himself when he had to resist the urge to cheer when Emil Nekola fell during a quad and failed to complete enough rotations. Emil failed to beat Yuuri’s total, and Yuuri realised he was going to podium again.

“That might do it,” Celestino said, smiling, “One skater to go and it’s Michele Crispino.”

Michele didn’t have any quads, having only competed in the singles for a couple of seasons following a successful partnership with his sister Sara. When Sara had decided to compete in the ladies, Michele had transitioned to the mens. His skating was clean and technically excellent, but his jumps lagged behind the other male competitors a little as he’d never had to work on them to the same extent as his rivals.

His lack of quads might make it that much easier for Yuuri to make it through.

Michele skated an excellent program, but his lack of quads went in Yuuri’s favour, and when Michele got his final score, Yuuri realised he’d be taking home silver. Michele clinched the bronze and also booked a place at the final based on his performance at the Rostelecom Cup.

Yuuri stood on the podium with Cao and Michele, feeling a little giddy and a little spaced out.

“Remember to breathe, Katsuki,” Cao smiled at him, “Everybody’s happy to see you up here so relax and enjoy the moment!”

Yuuri didn’t know Cao Bin all that well, but his words helped, and he let out an anxious breath he’d been holding in.

As the three men clambered to the top of the podium for photos, Michele began to talk.

“Grand Prix final, here we come!” he chuckled to Yuuri, “We finally made it!”

“It’ll be an interesting final. You two, me, JJ, Chris and Viktor…I can’t wait!” said Cao.

“Me neither!” Yuuri grinned.

As they posed with their medals, Yuuri realised he done it – he was going to Grand Prix Final, and he was finally going to skate with Viktor. All his hard work and sacrifices had been worth it!

* * *

 

About an hour later Yuuri finally finished speaking to the press and showing off his medal and Celestino told him he could at long last see his parents. Free of his skates and full of happiness he ran up to them in the foyer, eager to see them after his big moment.

As he got closer however, he could see the sadness etched on his mother’s face.

Oh no.

It had to be Vicchan.

“Oh Yuuri,” she began, “We’ve got some bad news…I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!
> 
> This was another tough chapter to write, but I feel this one's a little bit better than the last!


	7. 2015 - Part 3 - The Grand Prix Final

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri battles his doubts and insecurities as he aims to make his mark at the Grand Prix Final in Sochi.

**December 2015**

Another handful of popcorn made its way to Yuuri’s mouth, accompanied by the scrutiny of Phichit’s stare.

They were in their dorm room watching coverage of the upcoming Grand Prix Final on YouTube and a few sports sites.

Phichit didn’t really have anywhere he needed to be – he’d just competed in Golden Spin and had a few weeks of downtime before he started training for a few competitions in the back half of the season in preparation for the Four Seasons and the Malaysian Nationals.

Yuuri on the other hand should be on the rink – it was less than a week to the Grand Prix Final, but he had no motivation to do anything.

On the day he’d traveled to Nagano for the NHK Trophy, Vicchan had passed away in his sleep.

His parents had delayed traveling up and had decided not to tell him about Vicchan until the competition had concluded.

Naturally Yuuri was devastated and he'd berated himself for not being able to visit Vicchan one final time. As a way of punishing himself he headed straight home from Nagano – he didn’t deserve to go home and see Yuuko and the others so soon after Vicchan’s death - it just didn’t feel right. His parents disagreed, but didn’t to argue with him, so he’d headed back to Detroit and taken refuge in his room.

Phichit and Celestino both tried to encourage him to continue with his training, but Yuuri just wanted to hide from the world.

The media had been pestering him since he’d won his silver, and he was apparently being hailed the new hero of Japanese Figure Skating, whatever that meant.

Several skaters he didn’t really know had started following him on social media. Where once it had just been Phichit and Chris, now it was Cao, Michele, Sara, Emil and many others.

He didn’t know why they were following him. He’d only updated his twitter a few times and the only picture on his Instagram was one of the Detroit River. Phichit tagged him in pictures a lot though, or at least he had until these last few weeks when he’d barely managed to get dressed some days.

“Hmm,” Phichit said as he scrolled through some new videos in his subscriptions, “There’s a new interview with JJ…Wanna see it?”

“Sure, why not,” Yuuri sighed.

The interview was conducted at JJ’s penthouse apartment in Toronto and began with a tour.

JJ lived in luxury – a stark contrast to how Yuuri and Phichit were living.

 _“I’ve just moved here,”_ JJ grinned at the camera, _“But I needed it to feel like home so my friend Dani - who’s an interior designer – helped me get the place in order!”_

The interview continued as JJ and the reporter looked around an overflowing trophy room where JJ pointed out many bits and pieces including his various gold medals. A framed picture of his parents with their Ice Dancing Olympic Gold medals took pride of place in the room.

 _“My parents are my inspiration, and they're the best coaches I could ever have asked for,”_ JJ smiled proudly.

The bulk of the interview was filmed at JJ’s roof garden.

“He has a hot tub in his garden!” Phichit remarked, “that's so not fair!”

 _“And it’s been an extra-busy year for you, hasn’t it?”_ The reporter chirped.

_“It definitely has! But I like to keep busy, so it’s been the most incredible year.”_

_“So let’s recap – before this season you sacrificed some of your crucial practice time to do aid work.”_

JJ smiled serenely at the reporter, “ _When you’ve had as fulfilling and lucky a life as I’ve had, and been blessed with the level of natural talent that I have, it’s important to pay it forward…So to spend some time building a school for those less fortunate than me was very humbling.”_

_“And of course, you enrolled at Toronto University to study Sports Science…That must be crazy juggling your studies with your career!”_

Yuuri’s heart stopped in his chest. He’d had to give up on studying for the moment just to keep up with the top-flight, and here was JJ starting a degree while being the hot favourite to at least get silver.

 _“My degree_ is _part of my career. Balancing it has been easy because if you want something badly enough, you find a way to make it work!”_

Yuuri couldn’t help but think that comment was a dig aimed at him.

“Just you wait until you’re in to second or third year Leroy!” Phichit shouted at the screen, “It won’t be such a cakewalk then!”

_“So, how are you feeling about your chances of unseating Viktor at the Grand Prix Final?”_

JJ grinned, brimming with self-confidence, _“I’m the one he needs to watch out for at the final. I’m giving the final my all and much like Viktor did this season with his Quad Flip, I’d like to try and surprise my audience!”_

JJ finished the interview by winking at the camera.

“What do you reckon he’s planning?” Phichit asked.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri responded, “Maybe he’ll premier a new quad or a new combination?”

“Hmm…well if you want to make all your sacrifices worthwhile and medal next week…you’re not going to do it by lounging around here eating popcorn.

* * *

 

Watching JJ’s ‘perfect’ interview had reignited a little bit of Yuuri’s fire and he returned to the rink determined to get fighting fit for the Grand Prix Final.

Celestino was equal parts happy and angry with him.

“You’re in good form Yuuri, but have you put a few pounds on?”

“Sorry coach,” Yuuri mumbled, “I think it’s mostly water weight, I’ll get it off this week for sure.”

 Slowly but surely Yuuri got back into a decent mindset – not his best, but it was as close as he was going to get.

Most of the weight came back off, but he’d been left feeling more sluggish than usual and he was still sneaking the odd chocolate bar when Celestino and Phichit’s backs were turned.

With the way things had gone, Yuuri hadn’t had a chance to do any major revisions to his programs and Celestino was keen for him to keep to what he’d done at the NHK Trophy.

* * *

 

That evening as Yuuri unlaced his boots Celestino sat next to him.

“You’re not going to get the gold, not with Viktor’s form this year. I doubt even Leroy, Giacometti or Bin will come close to him this year. But the silver? The field’s wide open, and I believe in you. Yuuri.”

“Thank you, coach.”

Yuuri really did appreciate Celestino’s support, but it meant at the very best he was still way behind Viktor, or ‘Viktor the Untouchable’ as KnifeShoes liked to call him now.

A few days later Celestino and Yuuri departed for Sochi.

On the flight he looked over some information about Sochi, feeling an old twinge of disappointment at not making it there for the Olympics. Everyone else apart from he and JJ had competed at Sochi. JJ had been too young, and Yuuri hadn’t been selected.

It made him feel like a bit of an imposter if he was honest.

* * *

 

The hotel was beautiful, one of the better ones he’d stayed in at a competition.

“Yuuri, things tend to be a bit livelier at the final than at the rest of the events. All the skaters are staying in this hotel. I don’t want you caught up in any shenanigans, understood?”

Celestino grinned as he gave him the warning as they both knew Yuuri was too shy to get involved in anything scandalous.

“Of course coach,” Yuuri smiled in answer.

“I’m heading out to catch up with Dario, take some time to relax and have a look around the hotel, I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

“See you then!”

Celestino left the room to meet up with Dario Picardi – a member of Michele’s coaching team and long-time friend, leaving Yuuri to his thoughts.

_All the skaters are staying in this hotel_

Celestino's comment  went round and round in Yuuri’s head and he soon found himself reaching for his laptop and googling Viktor.

Yes, according to the internet Viktor had arrived yesterday.

Viktor might be in the hotel right now, maybe even just a few floors away.

Should he introduce himself, should he leave it be?

“Think Yuuri,” he muttered to himself.

Should he wait and meet him on the practice rink?

No no…He’d fall and make an idiot of himself.

Should he mill around the foyer and the function rooms the ISU had reserved and hope to bump into him?

No no…He’d probably come across like a creepy stalker.

Yuuri figured he was better staying in his room, and only leaving when he needed to do something skating-related.

Knowing Yuuri’s luck he’d meet him while he was out on a jog and stinking of sweat. Viktor would probably look like his statuesque self and smell of roses.

Needing a distraction from his thoughts he contemplated facetiming Phichit, but he didn’t want to talk about his own skating, or Vicchan or anything else. He needed a little distance.

He opened his laptop and went to Viktor’s forum.

“Just a little distance,” Yuuri mumbled guiltily.

As always there was a little uptick in forum activity for the Grand Prix Final. Yuuri was surprised to see a message from Makkachinfan, apologising for not being around as much, with a promise to return to the forum again soon, but he hadn’t been online since.

KnifeShoes was online though, so Yuuri messaged him.

_Hey Knife!_

_Hey stranger!_

Yuuri had made a generic skater otaku email account to avoid giving his name or lying to his friend.

 _I know I said I’d be on here more, but life’s been really busy,_  Yuuri apologised.

_Same, anyway I’m glad you’re online because I’ve got big news – I scored tickets to the Grand Prix Final! I’m in Sochi, Russia right now!!_

Oh.

Yuuri had gone online to spin a similar tale, but he couldn’t now. He didn’t want Knife to know who he was yet, although he was sorely tempted to just to get it over and done with, and he'd love to actually meet him after so many years of online friendship.

_That’s amazing Knife! How did you manage that?!_

_Ah…that would be telling now wouldn’t it!_

_Well you need to keep me up to date on what happens and take plenty of pictures!_

_The wife has the camera, but I’ll try and upload a few shots if I get it back from her for a moment or two. My phone's camera is useless. Anyway, how are you?_

How was he? Yuuri wondered.

_I’d love to say I was okay, by my dog died a few weeks ago._

_Oh no! I’m so sorry! I don’t really know what to say._

_It’s okay…it was a bit sudden, but I should have expected it. I’m just trying to keep busy._

_Maybe the Grand Prix Final will be a good distraction then?_ Knife reasoned.

Hardly, Yuuri scoffed inwardly.

_You’re right…I should just focus on the competition._

_I’ll be happy when I get to see Viktor win that gold in person, as long as it’s Giacometti and Bin on that Podium with him. I want that JJ shut out!_

_So much for Canadian Pride!_ Yuuri teased.

_As long as Viktor and Chris do okay I’m happy._

For not the first time Yuuri wished he was just a fan, able to cheer for Viktor without the stress of worrying about himself.

* * *

 

The next day came and went with Yuuri seeing neither hide nor hair or Mr Nikiforov.

Yuuri had always hated practicing right before competitions, always feeling intimidated by the sheer amount of talent his rivals would display in those sessions.

As always, Cao seemed to be stuck inside his own head as he practiced under the watchful eye of his coach. Michele was cordial when not running to the side of the rink to fawn over his sister who’d made the Ladies’ final. JJ all but ignored Yuuri and treated him as if he wasn’t there. Yuuri noticed JJ also did the same to Michele, but was his usual perfectly obnoxious self with Cao and Chris – clearly he’d done like KnifeShoes had and realised Cao and Chris were his real competition.

Chris however was very friendly with Yuuri. They still didn’t know each other all that well, but it was nice to see a friendly face.

“Yuuri! At long last I meet you at an appropriate venue!”.

“Thank you, Chris. It took me a few years longer than I’d planned, but here I am!”

“Well you’re finally where you belong, but don’t expect me to just let you sneak past me onto the podium…You’re going to have to fight for a medal.”

“I look forward to doing battle with you Mr. Giacometti!”

Chris grinned at Yuuri and extended a hand to him, “I’ll look forward to it as well Mr. Katsuki.”

The rest of the practice session went by quietly, punctuated by the odd journalist appearing – mostly either looking for Viktor or JJ.

Towards the end of the session Yuuri noticed Viktor’s coaches arrive, but there was still no sign of the man himself. Instead the coaches were accompanied by a little blond boy that Yuuri recognised as Yuri Plisetsky – the favourite to take the gold in the Juniors.

As they continued to skate, Yuuri could feel the young Russian’s eyes on him. The kid was absorbing everything. Yuuri thought about Plisetsky’s age – he was still a little young to be a senior, but he’d been hailed a skating prodigy so maybe he’d be in the seniors next year.

Yuuri suddenly felt so old.

He and Chris finished their practices at the same time.

“I was surprised Viktor didn’t appear at the practice rink,” Yuuri ventured.

“Hmm…You’ve never met him have you? Viktor will be claiming he’s got jet lag even though St. Petersburg is in the same time zone as Sochi…Viktor always does the minimum of practice when he actually gets to competitions…Naturally we’re all jealous!” Chris smiled.

* * *

 

Back in his room he mulled over his day and his competitors.

JJ could skate and study with ease. Viktor didn’t even really need to practice when he got to a competition. Were they superhuman, or was Yuuri just lagging that far behind them?

Yuuri realised if he wanted to medal he really had to push himself. The Quad Salchow was back on the table.

* * *

 

The next day was Short Program day and Yuuri felt resigned to his fate. Oddly his nerves had settled, and his practice session went perfectly…

Until Viktor arrived.

There he was in the flesh, and unlike a few years back, or at the Worlds, he was right there on the rink, just metres away.

Viktor had a smile affixed to his face and he was pleasant to all the skaters. Yuuri could barely concentrate as his heart began beating louder and louder.

_It’s like skating in the presence of a god…_

Viktor didn’t speak to him, only nodding and smiling in his direction as they skated past each other. The audience was building and before he knew it all the skaters were asked to leave the ice, with JJ being first to skate his Short Program.

Yuuri settled in backstage and watched with begrudging admiration as JJ responded to Viktor’s challenge and landed a Quad Lutz to massive applause.

“He just did that, didn’t he,” Chris sighed, shaking his head and walking away.

Yuuri flitted a look in Viktor's direction. The Russian seemed oblivious to JJ's feat as he continued doing some stretches.

Celestino suddenly appeared at Yuuri’s side, “Don’t let JJ get to you – you have your own strengths and will impress in your own way.”

Yuuri was skating second to last, right before Viktor. No-one had had an answer to JJ’s skate and he was ahead by fairly large margin at the top, with Cao his nearest competitor. Chris for his part was only two points behind Cao with Michele trailing a bit behind the pack.

Before Yuuri knew it, he was standing at the centre of the rink hearing the opening of his music. Yuuri focused intently on every element, going over every technicality in his head. To his credit he landed all his jumps, although he nearly lost his balance landing a triple toe-loop. At the end he managed to turn out a good, competent performance, even if it was lost in the brilliance of some of his competitor’s routines. He scored higher than Michele meaning at least he wouldn’t finish the Short Program last.

Next up was Viktor, and as always, the venue came alive when he skated. The crowd cheered wildly as Viktor landed every jump including his Quad Flip. His step sequences were impeccable, and his overall artistry was breath-taking. Yuuri imagined this had to be close to Viktor’s personal best, ie. the Short Program world record.

When Viktor finished the rink was deluged by a sea of flowers and Viktor as always was very gracious to his fans, bowing and thanking them for their support.

Viktor finished first in the short program, shoving JJ’s impressive score aside as if it were nothing. After those two it was Chris and Cao, with Yuuri and Michele trailing in fifth and sixth respectively.

“You can be happy with that Yuuri – you’ll pick up a lot more points in your Free Skate since it makes the best of your high stamina. It’s got a higher technical score, so it means you’re still very much in contention.”

Celestino didn’t tell Yuuri anything he didn’t already know - his comments were meant to reassure him.

But having seen Viktor and JJ, and Chris and Cao, Yuuri didn’t want to coast by and sneak onto the podium with a bronze if one of the others happened to screw up. He wanted to impress. He wanted the crowd to go wild for him.

If the gold was indeed out of his reach, then Yuuri wanted to cause an upset and claim the silver for himself.

After all, this might be his only chance to do it.

* * *

 

The next day at practice, Yuuri concentrated in his Triple Salchow – he didn’t want any of his rivals to figure out he was planning to do a Quad Salchow, nor did he want Celestino to see him try one and then drag him off the rink to give him a telling-off.

Yuuri had a good feeling about this. The timing felt right. The base score for a Quad Salchow was 10.3 to the Triple's 4.5, and every fraction of a point counted.

Yuuri decided to replace his opening solitary Triple Salchow with the Quad, and he’d upgrade his triple-double jump to a Quad Toe-loop-Triple Toe-loop. Yuuri wrote down his revised jumps, making sure there was nothing invalid and hoped Celestino would forgive him later.

He slipped his notebook back into his kit bag and returned to the rink to do more practice jumps. He was so inwardly focused that he didn’t even notice Viktor slip onto the rink until Celestino startled him by called him over to the edge of the rink.

Yuuri skated over to Celestino but let his eyes follow Viktor around the rink. As he got closer to his coach, he noticed that Celestino looked both amused and worried.

“You’re incredibly focused today Yuuri,” he smirked, nodding in Viktor’s direction, “but I hope this isn’t why.”

Celestino held up the notebook, dog eared at Yuuri's amended program.

“Coach, I- “

“-Will be able to pull this off next season, but if I attempt it right now I could throw away a spot on the podium,” Celestino finished his sentence for him.

Yuuri looked to the ground, “Celestino, please let me try this. I don’t want to be an also-ran. If I stick with what I’ve got, I’ll be lucky to finish fourth. If I do this, who knows what I could achieve.”

Celestino looked concerned, “I won’t stop you if you’re intent on doing these jumps, but keep in mind you’ll lose points you’d otherwise get for clean skating and you’ll lose points for your artistry since you’ll be preoccupied with your jumps…It’s a difficult balancing act and I don’t want to see a medal slip from your grasp.”

“I understand that, but I feel I need to do this.”

Celestino sighed and shot Yuuri a sad smile before patting him on the shoulder, “Okay. I’ll support you and I’ll hope and pray for the best for you.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

 

Later that day the skaters prepared for the Free Skate. First up was Cao Bin who was missing some of his usual sparkle. He popped a quad and messed up his timing on a flying sit spin. His technical score took a dent, but he still looked like he could be in contention for a medal when he totally missed his final jump and landed hard on the ice. He got back up, but with a pained expression on his face, and he all but hobbled to the Kiss & Cry when he finished his program.

Cao’s final combined score was confirmed as 261.83. A world-class score for sure, but way too short of what he needed to guarantee a medal.

Chris was next, and he didn’t put a foot wrong, turning in a superb performance that made the crowd erupt into rapturous applause at the end. Chris’ combined score was 301.46. It all but guaranteed Chris at least a silver and marked the first time Chris had broken the 300-point mark. Naturally he was elated.

After Chris, it was Yuuri’s time to shine.

As he skated onto the rink, his nerves began to build, and he took in a gulp of air to calm himself down, but instead ended up with an uncomfortable tightness in his chest.

As the music started he swayed on whether to go with his new jumps, or whether he should play it safe with his tried and tested program.

No. He wanted that silver.

Yuuri’s doubts wouldn’t leave him alone however and as he launched into his would-be quad Salchow he knew he’d misjudged it. He landed having barely completed three rotations instead of four and found himself falling over onto the ice. Shaken, he picked himself up and tried to keep going. Yuuri under-rotated his next jump but landed it without incident. His third jump was all over the place. Yuuri managed to do three rotations before falling to the ground in dramatic fashion, almost sprawling flat on his back before he got back onto his skates. By the time he prepared for his combination he was aware he was shaking from head to foot. Lost inside himself and berating his own stupidity, Yuuri completely missed the Quad Toe-loop of his combination, falling hard. Yuuri picked himself up for a third time, his hip aching in protest and struggled to keep it together for the rest of his program, knowing he’d completely blown it.

Ashamed of himself, he skated off the rink as soon as the polite applause started. He trudged to the Kiss & Cry, unable to look Celestino in the eye. Celestino handed him a water bottle and Yuuri took it if only to keep his hands occupied at the Kiss & Cry. As his score was read out he kept his gaze fixed firmly on the ground.

232.59

With that score he was destined to finish dead last.

Yuuri didn’t stay around to watch Michele or JJ or even Viktor, instead he found himself a chair in a corridor where Cao was hobbling around avoiding his coach. Yuuri took out his phone and tried to force the world out. He found out from his phone that JJ had flubbed a jump and skated below his usual standard, causing him to slip out of silver medal contention.

Michele did very well, but not enough to medal.

Viktor being Viktor pulled out all the stops, smashing the competition and finishing over thirty points clear at the top -

\- and over a hundred points clear of dead last Yuuri.

When the competition came to an end and Viktor, Chris and JJ prepared for the medal ceremony, Yuuri noticed that articles about him were starting to appear in the Japanese media. He ignored messages from Phichit, Minako and Mari to read what the pundits had to say about him.

Celestino – whom he hadn’t spoken a word to – noticed him reading.

“Yuuri, don’t look at the news. Let’s go back- “

“‘Katsuki Fell to Last Place. Is This Season His Last?’” Yuuri read out a sentence in one of the articles.

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri finally looked at his coach, who looked worried for him.

“Coach?”

Celestino put a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t listen to the news. One bad day doesn’t mean this is the end.”

Yuuri tried to agree with his coach, but he couldn’t shift the nagging doubt that his critics might be right.

A short while later, with the medal ceremony concluded, the skaters began to pack up and leave for the hotel. Yuuri made a break for the restrooms while they were quiet, hoping to get his parents on the phone.

Yuuri reflected on all the hard work he’d put in – moving to Detroit, endless hours on the ice and all the aches and pains that went with it…But the pressure had crushed him, with him binge-eating and struggling to cope with Vicchan’s death. The pressure drove him to push too hard and too fast. Deep down he knew his Quad Salchow wasn’t ready – it might never be – but desperate for his moment of glory – that moment of validation that would have made all the sacrifices worthwhile – he’d thrown away everything.

What was supposed to be one of the best days of his career had become his worst.

And it was all his own fault.

Alone in a restroom stall he called home.

“Hello? Mom, were you sleeping?”

_“Yuuri! I'm so happy to hear you're voice! It’s absolutely fine - you haven’t disturbed us at all!”_

“Sorry,” he apologised anyway, knowing he probably had.

_“You have nothing to apologise for – we stayed up to cheer for you!”_

Oh boy.

“Oh, you were watching on TV?”

_“Of course! We held a public viewing!”_

Oh no.

“Huh? A public viewing? Please! I’m so embarrassed!”

_“Don’t you dare be embarrassed! You had the whole of Hasetsu cheering for you!”_

The whole of Hasetsu.

The whole of Hasetsu would know just how spectacularly he’d failed. The realisation came as a fresh new humiliation.

“I’m sorry,” he said to his mother after a short while.

 _“Why?”_ she responded, sounding concerned.

“I messed up.”

Feeling tears welling in his eyes, Yuuri hung up on her.

For the first time since finding out about Vicchan, Yuuri let himself cry. The tears came in a flood, filling his classes when he leaned forward. As he started to let all of his hurt out in sobs, the door to the stall was suddenly battered with impressive force.

Getting a shock at the sudden interruption, Yuuri quickly wiped at his eyes and opened the door.

“Sorry,” he said.

He looked up to see Yuri Plisetsky standing in front of him, a look of utter contempt on his face.

Plisetsky had just won gold at the Juniors with a masterpiece of a performance. Compared to this kid, Yuuri was nothing but trash. The disdain radiating from the boy made Yuuri tremble with nerves.

The “Russian Punk” scowled at him dismissively and jabbed a finger at his face.

“Hey. I’m competing in the senior division next year. We don’t need two Yuris in the same bracket," Yuri leaned closer, eyes brimming with both confidence and anger, "Incompetents like you should just retire already. Moron!”

Having said his piece, Plisetsky stomped off, leaving Yuuri alone once more.

Hearing something so disparaging about him from a fellow skater was particularly hard to hear, but the young boy had a point. If Yuuri left the sport, there were a lot of young skaters who could replace him. Maybe by staying in the top-flight for so long with limited success was hurting the other Japanese skaters’ careers prospects. Maybe it was selfish of him to keep trying.

After he left the restroom he went and picked up his kit and followed Celestino out into the foyer to wait for the shuttle bus back to the hotel.

As he walked he heard a familiar voice.

“Katsuki-kun!”

“Newscaster Morooka…”

The intense-looking sports commentator had been covering the Grand Prix Final for Tokyo TV and Yuuri knew Morooka had been rooting for him.

“Don’t give up!” he shouted, “It’s too early for you to retire!”

Grateful for the support, but mindful that Morooka was part of the media he’d learned not to entirely trust, he gave him a rather dismissive answer.

“It’s not like I’ve made a decision. Please don’t make assumptions.”

Morooka was undeterred, “What will you do after you graduate from college?”

“Uh…”

“Will you still train in Detroit?”

“I’ll be talking that over with Coach Celestino.”

Yuuri stopped paying attention, his eyes panning over the people milling around outside the venue.

“Katsuki-kun! I’m asking how _you_ feel about this!”

_Yuuri didn’t want to think about the future right now._

“Will you keep going? Maybe just part-time?”

A woman outside was holding a toy poodle in her arms. He looked so much Vicchan it made Yuuri's heart ache.

_I’m sorry, Vicchan._

“You’ll still have a chance back in Japan.”

_Sorry I can’t go home._

Yuuri found himself getting lost in thoughts of Hasetsu and Vicchan as Morooka stood and silently fumed.

“Yuuri,”

He was suddenly startled by an all-too familiar voice.

Viktor Nikiforov’s voice.

He turned around in time to see Viktor and Yuri Plisetsky walk by.

“About your free skate,” Viktor continued, “the step sequence could use more- “

“I won, so who cares?” Plisetsky moaned, “Quit nagging, Viktor.”

_Oh, the Yuri on the Russian team…Of course he hadn’t been talking to me._

“Hey, Yuri!” Russia’s head coach started shouting at the boy, “You can’t talk that way forever!”

Yuuri let his eyes wander over to Viktor and without thinking, he had a good long stare at the him.

_If I do have a chance, someday I’d like to…_

He never completed the thought as he realised Viktor had noticed him staring.

Yuuri jumped a little and tried to keep his composure as Viktor turned round and offered him a polite smile.

“A commemorative photo?”

Yuuri felt like the breath had just left his body, taking the last of the wind out of his sails.

That one comment had been like a sucker-punch to the gut.

There Yuuri stood - in his Team Japan apparel, accreditation round his neck - and _the_ Viktor Nikiforov - aka the world's greatest living skater - thought he was just another fan.

“Sure,” Viktor smiled, inviting Yuuri over.

That slight smile on his idol's face was like a dagger to his soul. So much for trying to become Viktor’s equal.

Yuuri turned round and walked to the other exit of the foyer, ignoring both Celestino and Morooka when they called to him.

 _This is humiliating,_ he thought, feeling Viktor’s eyes on him as he exited.

_I was an idiot for thinking I could finally meet my idol on the same playing field…_

* * *

 

A few hours later Celestino was physically pushing Yuuri into a shower.

“You’re going, and you stink of sweat, so get cleaned up.”

“Celestino!”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. Attending the banquet will do you good. Avoiding the other skaters won’t make you feel better. At least you get to go – Cao Bin’s still at the hospital.”

“Fine,” Yuuri mumbled, closing the door and turning the shower on.

Back at the arena Yuuri had managed to avoid the other skaters. By walking the other way he’d made sure he’d ended up on a different shuttle bus to the Russian delegation. Instead he’d ended up stuck with some of the ISU officials who’d drawn him all manner of looks.

When Yuuri had got back to the hotel he looked at some skating news on his phone and learned that Cao Bin had done some real damage to his knee when he’d fallen. Cao had already faced some major injuries during his career and he was the oldest skater on the circuit, so Yuuri hoped he’d be okay.

After showering and drying his hair, Celestino grimaced and handed Yuuri his suit. It was an ill-fitting thing that he’d bought for JSF functions and he'd made a mess of the breast pocket from pinning his Japanese Skating Federation badge to it at various times.

Truth be told he hadn’t really given the banquet much thought, but the suit was all he had to wear so it would need to do. Yuuri could guarantee the rest of the skaters were prepared and that they'd be wearing designer suits like Viktor was known to do. Viktor loved Tom Ford and Armani. If Yuuri remembered correctly he'd picked his suit up at Target. 

Had Yuuri always know subconsciously that he was destined to fail? If he'd really thought he was in with a chance wouldn't he have bought a nice suit?

Celestino and Yuuri made their way down to the function room to find it already heaving with people. He noticed many of the top competitors of past and present milling around in polite discussion while waiters walked around with trays of champagne flutes and canapes.

No, this was not Yuuri’s idea of a good night out.

Celestino disappeared for a while and Yuuri remained where he was – near the entrance and looking down to the ground in the hopes of being left alone.

Sometime later Celestino reappeared, put his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and steered him further into the room. Among the first faces he spotted were Viktor and the Russian Yuri. Viktor stared at him with a confused look, perhaps finally figuring out who Yuuri was, but Yuuri shrunk in on himself and stared at the floor as Celestino tried to start a conversation with him.

“You know it must be about nine or ten years since I was last at this event!” he chatted cheerily.

Yuuri was silent.

“You look so glum. Have you had anything to drink or to eat? There’s pizza and sandwiches and some Russians foods, but don’t ask me what they are!”

As a waiter went by, Celestino grabbed two glasses of champagne.

“This will do you good – you’ve more than earned it,” he smiled.

_Well that was a lie…_

Celestino stood for a good 45 minutes trying to draw a conversation out of Yuuri, but Yuuri just mumbled, his nerves robbing him of the power of speech.

Eventually Celestino left him alone, telling him he should find Chris or someone to talk to.

Yuuri had originally planned to take it easy with the alcohol, but not wanting to talk to anyone, nor wanting to just stand idle, he soon found himself grabbing a glass just about every time a waiter walked by.

* * *

 

The next morning Yuuri woke up feeling like someone was playing the drums inside his skull. His mouth resembled a dried-up riverbed and he was absolutely aching from head to toe, especially his thighs for some reason.

He tried to sit up in bed, but the room spun and the bright morning like caught his eye, making him wince and moan.

“Oh my god…I must have really hurt myself in one of those falls yesterday.”

Celestino, lying awake in the adjacent twin bed chuckled at that, “Yeah, that _must_ be the only explanation!”

_Huh?_

Yuuri found his hangover to be so intense it had robbed him of the ability to stand up straight and instead he found himself hunched over and hanging on to the wall when he went to the bathroom.

As he tried desperately to wash his face and brush his teeth, Yuuri resolved to never drink champagne again – it wasn’t worth it if this is what just a few glasses could do to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a real tough chapter again, and I apologise if I screwed up any of the talk regarding jumps - I did try to make it as accurate as I could but I find it all confusing, especially the combinations!
> 
> Future chapters won't be as long as this one - I wanted to cover the rest of 2015 in-depth since it's such a pivotal moment for Yuuri!


	8. 2015 - Part 4 - The All-Japan Championships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri struggles to recover from his loss at the Grand Prix Final

When Yuuri and Celestino returned to Detroit, they returned with a tension between them. Yuuri knew that Celestino was wanting him to talk, to open up about how he was feeling, but Yuuri wasn’t able, nor did he feel he should be bothering his coach so much.

Instead when they had a brief meeting at the skate club a day after getting back to Detroit, they had a very quick conversation, with Yuuri apologising for embarrassing his coach and promising to revert his program back for the Japanese Nationals in under two weeks’ time. Celestino told him it wasn’t the end – he’d made a mistake, but he was still the hot favourite for the Japanese Nationals and who knew what the Four Continents would bring. Yuuri advised Celestino that he was taking it one competition at a time and asked him to spend more time with Phichit. Celestino had looked perplexed but agreed to the request.

After that, Yuuri began actively avoiding the rink. He did his usual exercises – jogging, weights etc, popped into the dance studio near the club to do some more pole dancing…

…and rather shamefully, he started practicing at a public rink near his usual jogging route.

* * *

 

Two days before he was due to fly out, Phichit found him there.

“You’ve been avoiding me Yuuri! What gives? And why are you here?” he shouted from the side of the rink.

Yuuri looked around the abandoned rink before responding, “When the kids are still at school this place is always quiet and I don’t want to get in anyone’s way while they’re practicing and learning. I’ve wasted enough of Celestino’s time.”

“Wasted his time? You’re his star skater!”

“And I humiliated him Phichit. I’ve taken up so much valuable time with him that you could have had. You’ve got more prospects than me in this sport Phichit, I know it – he should focus on you from now on.”

Phichit stood open-mouthed, shocked by Yuuri’s words.

“Do I need to get on to the ice and smack you upsides the head?”

“Phichit…”

“You have the Nationals in a few days! That’s a big deal! You need your coach! And I know you had a really difficult time in Sochi, but I’ve never known you to be quite so defeatist.”

Yuuri looked at the surface of the rink, avoiding his friend’s gaze, “I’m just being realistic.”

Phichit tutted loudly, “When you’re like this there’s nothing I can really say to get you out of it. I’ve got a date tonight but there’s leftover rice and I bought you breaded pork cutlets. I’d usually tell you to avoid Katsudon right before a big competition, but I know it’s easy to make and it cheers you up. So go home, make Katsudon, phone your family and watch something funny on YouTube, and speak to Celestino in the morning.”

“Thank you Phichit,” Yuuri smiled at his best friend before quietly admitting, “Katsudon would be nice actually.”

Phichit grinned, “In return I demand you make it for me sometime soon!”

“Will do,” Yuuri forced a grin, “and wait – you’re not coming home tonight?”

“Not if I can help it!” Phichit winked at him before turning to leave the rink.

Yuuri managed a small chuckle as Phichit disappeared. A few minutes later he decided to pack it in for the day and left the rink.

When he got home he found the rice and the cutlets and quickly made Katsudon, but as he sat in their dorm, ready to eat, he found he couldn’t. The sight of the Katsudon made him feel queasy and after forcing down a mouthful he decided he was better not eating it.

Having not eaten, he took Phichit’s next piece of advice and phoned home – bad idea. His mother told him how Yuuko and Nishigori were going to be at the Nationals to cheer him on. The mention of the Nationals made his stomach grow even more queasy and he found himself finishing the call as quickly as he could. Yuuri next tried to watch some funny videos on YouTube, but because he’d been on the site recently to review various skating videos, it wasn’t long before Grand Prix Final videos were catching his eye.

 _The Highs and Lows of the Grand Prix Final_ , one video was titled, and Yuuri knew the lows would be all about him.

 _Russia’s Golden Boy Skates to Victory while Japan Skates to a Disappointing Last Place_ , another was named.

 _Celestino Cialdini – Legend on the Rink to Average Coach? How Did It Happen?_ Read another.

Yuuri resisted the temptation to watch the videos, instead he snapped the lid down, turned off his phone and tried to pretend he was anywhere other than Detroit.

* * *

 

The next day he was woken up early in the morning by his phone – Celestino.

“Hello?”

_“Yuuri, I haven’t heard from you in days! Phichit said you’re still a little down but you’ve been practicing… Are you okay?”_

“I’m fine coach, sorry to worry you.”

_“It’s fine Yuuri, just glad to hear your voice. I’ve got booking confirmations for flights to Sapporo and- “_

“I don’t want you coming to Japan with me,” Yuuri heard his voice say.

 _“…Yuuri. What’s going on?”_ Celestino didn’t sound angry as such, but he sounded concerned.

“I just don’t think it would be fair on you. The Nationals are on over Christmas and I know it’s usually a big deal for you.”

_“If that’s the case then I won’t be missing out in Sapporo. I’ve read they’ve got Christmas Markets and illuminations and all sorts of festivities. It’s a shame the Ice Festival’s in February – I’ve always wanted to see that.”_

“But it’ll take you away from your family, won’t it?”

Celestino didn’t have a wife or kids, but he did have a brother and a few cousins who he often tried to see over the festive period.

_“My family knows how important coaching is to me.”_

“And I know how important family is,” Yuuri responded.

Celestino was silent for several moments, and Yuuri knew he’d upset the man by refusing to let him travel with him, _“if you don’t want me there that’s fine Yuuri. I don’t think I can get a refund on the flight, but we can- “_

“Add it to the coaching fees instead of expenses. I don’t want you to be out of pocket for me.”

 _“Okay then… Well I guess I’ll see you around sometime,”_ Celestino said curtly before hanging up.

As Yuuri looked at the phone in his hand, he wondered just what the hell had made him do what he just had.

* * *

 

Two days later Yuuri arrived at Sapporo on his own, and he knew instantly that traveling solo to his home country had been a bad idea.

“Katsuki-san!” A reporter shouted at him as he walked through arrivals, and a photographer began taking pictures of him. Yuuri tuned them all out and kept walking, picking up a taxi to his hotel.

The next day, he knew he should practice, but at home he couldn’t dodge questions as easily as he could elsewhere, and without Celestino he had no shield from intrusive questions. Instead he opted to miss the first practice session and found himself ordering room service.

* * *

 

Ensconced in his room, he didn’t move for a day, only succeeding in unpacking his costumes and training gear checking them over before hanging them up.

The next day was another practice day as the Ladies Short Program took place. A text from Yuuko brought him back to reality as she announced she and Nishigori couldn’t make it as two of their girls had the flu. She reminded him that she and the family would be watching him from home and would be sending their best wishes to him.

The little text was a lifeline and helped him see straight for a while and he decided that yes – he needed to practice.

The practice rink was only a short distance from the hotel, so it only took him a short while to get over. He discovered the rink was full of skaters, all of who seemed to be so _young_. For the first time in his career, Yuuri felt old. He reckoned most of his competitors were maybe 18 or 19 at most!

It was a rare opportunity for Yuuri to have a look at the skating talent coming up behind him, to gauge who he would be handing the mantle of Japanese skating to after his short run as Japan’s best skater. A look around the rink showed him masses of raw talent – all of it currently nameless to him – and he realised that at the very least a few of these skaters would easily surpass him within the next year or so. He watched practice jumps from all these younger skaters – no quads in practice, mostly doubles and triples – and suddenly felt totally out of his depth – a true also-ran.

These kids had more potential, more confidence, but they had Yuuri holding them back. Yuuri got more funding than any other skater, more even than Inoue got towards the end of his career. And the returns Japan reaped from the funding were slim pickings. He wasn’t much a role model to the younger skaters. If he retired, his funding block would go to one of the kids at this rink. In time they’d surpass him and bring home more gold and more accolades, and spur on their skating comrades.

It was at that point Yuuri realised that the end of his career was in sight. This would probably be his final Nationals. No matter his performance here, he’d be better getting back to the “real world”, finishing his degree and trying to salvage a life away from the rink.

It wasn’t like he could ever coach either. He didn’t have the skill for that.

As he continued watching the other skaters, he realised just how far behind Viktor he truly was. Yuuri was four years Viktor’s junior and preparing to bow out. Viktor meanwhile was going strong into his late twenties, choreographed his own programs and participated in mentoring schemes with young Russian skaters. He did TV shows like they were the easiest thing in the world, and when he would inevitable retire, he’d probably never have to worry about education or getting a job – skating would be his life, either on the ice, or passing on the tools of his trade to the next generation of champions.

Yuuri would be lucky if he’d get a job translating leaflets for holiday firms, what with the developments in automatic translation online.

Yuuri felt a shiver run through him and realised one of the young skaters was looking at him intently.

The boy had blond hair with a shock of red at the front, and a snaggle tooth sticking out at the side of his mouth, and he looked too young to be a senior skater. Looking around the rink Yuuri spotted a few other juniors as well and reasoned that a few of them had overstayed their time at the rink to see the seniors in action.

“Yuuri-kun!” the boy shouted, “Are you coming on to practice?!?”

“In a minute, I was enjoying watching everyone else practice,” he smiled.

The boy clasped his hands together and started tearing up, “Thank you Yuuri! Everybody – Yuuri’s enjoyed our practice!!! You’re the best senpai!!”

Wait - Senpai? 

All the other kids on the rink looked remarkably happy at realising Yuuri had been watching them, but why?

Finally biting the bullet, Yuuri joined them on the ice, but avoided doing anything strenuous, instead opting to skate figures and go over elements from his step sequences. The other skater s continued watching him to the point that one of them popped a jump.

“Masato! Stop watching Katsuki-san and concentrate!”

Why all this fuss over him?

Oh wait – of course. After his failure at the Grand Prix Final, his rivals had tasted blood and were looking to defeat him. That had to be it.

After skating figures for half an hour, Yuuri retreated from the rink and back to his hotel for a shower and more room service.

On the day of the Men’s Short Program, Yuuri awoke feeling queasy and turned on the TV.

 _“Katsuki Yuuri didn’t really look his usual self,”_ one of the commentators on the sports program said.

_“Hmm…Here’s hoping we don’t see a repeat of the Grand Prix Final. If he does that then his gold isn’t assured at the All-Japan Championships, and it would be a shame to see that happen.”_

Yuuri quickly turned off the TV.

Heading to the rink for the short program, he was bombarded by journalists and photographers. Unable to muster up a smile he tried to tell the reporters he was concentrating on skating his very best and he needed space and some quiet to do that. A few left him alone at that, but others continued badgering him, including Morooka.

“All of Japan is behind you Katsuki-kun! Any words for your fans?”

“My fans?” Yuuri said in a slightly disbelieving voice.

_Why would anyone be my fan?_

“Yes! Any words for them?”

“Uh…Thank you for your continued support. Although the Grand Prix Final didn’t work out how I would have liked, I ask you to continue supporting me through the Nationals where I will do my very best.”

“Thank you for that Katsuki-kun and good luck!”

* * *

 

All in all, his short program hadn’t been all that bad, but that was glossing over the fact he’d under-rotated all his quads, turning out triples instead. That mistake had also led to a triple toe-loop being disqualified. At the end of the short program he sat in the bronze medal position, but only by a small margin.

* * *

 

 

Before Yuuri knew it was time for his Free Skate. Seeking to concentrate solely on his own performance he’d been exercising backstage with his headphones in and hadn’t paid any attention to the other skaters’ performances. Occasionally some applause had reached his ears, but for the most part he was stuck in his own headspace.

When it came time for his own performance, he skated on the ice feeling reasonably calm, but as the music started, he suddenly felt like his skin was crawling, and he couldn’t breath properly. He felt a little dizzy as he prepared for his initial jump, and as he handed it he realised to his horror that his triple had become a double. His next jump was awful, and he handed hard on the ice. The next jump was under-rotated, and he felt a painful tug at his knee as he landed it. Yuuri managed through the rest of the performance without falling, but he under-rotated another jump, and another became a single.

As Yuuri finished skating to mild, polite applause, he gasped for air, but not due to his exertions but due to the panic and despair that were now cloaking him.

It was another disaster.

He trudged to the Kiss and Cry, having barely acknowledged the crowd. He waited to confirm his abysmal score and got up, trying to contain his anger at himself.

Backstage from officials from the Federation were casting him worried looks and one official he recognised from his trip to the Federation’s headquarters ran over to him.

“Katsuki-san! Why did you skate if you were injured! Where is Mr Cialdini?”

“I’m not injured,” Yuuri responded, blinking in surprised.

“Are you certain?” the official asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

Elsewhere others were talking a murmuring, and one comment in particular caught his ear.

“It’s below the minimum TES score, they might not send him.”

Yuuri began to walk to somewhere quieter but the official followed him, “We can arrange a medical for you, just to be on the safe side? And we can keep you away from the press if you don’t want to talk to them.”

The second part of that offer was appealing.

“That would be very helpful, thank you.”

A short while later Yuuri was back at his hotel hiding under the covers of his bed as if to keep the world out. He’d confirmed the final results of the competition during the short journey from the rink to hotel – he’d finished eighth out of a field of twelve. Even more humiliatingly, three of the juniors had managed to beat his score, including Minami Kenjirō who’d be moving to the senior division for the 2016 – 17 season.

* * *

 

The call from the Federation came within hours of the men’s competition finishing.

_“Although you met the minimum TES score earlier in the season, your performances in the Grand Prix Final and again this week have left us concerned about your fitness to skate, and since you haven’t consented to a fresh medical, we have no choice but to rule you out for the Four Continents. As a result, you won’t be considered for selection for the Worlds this season. We’re sorry we don’t have more positive news for you.”_

“That’s okay. I’ve been expecting this call since my performance today.”

_“Naturally the Federation are very disappointed that today marks the end of your season. We’re going to be contacting Celestino Cialdini to discuss what will happen going forward, but we’re eager to see you return next season.”_

“Thank you and the Federation for their support. I’ll be weighing up my options in the coming weeks.”

Yuuri ended the call as swiftly as he could and began packing his belongings. Ordinarily even if he hadn’t medalled he would do as expected and hang around for the gala, but he was in no mood for it. He called the airline and asked if there was any way he could alter his flights. Remarkably he was able to book himself onto a flight that evening instead of the one he would have been getting three days later due to a cancellation, and only paid a small fee. It had been the only thing that had gone well for him in recent weeks.

As his flight departed, Yuuri knew what he had to do.

It was time to live in the real world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this chapter. It was kind of difficult to write, especially writing in that Celestino wasn't with Yuuri at the Nationals, as stated in episode 4. After this chapter it's on to 2016!


	9. 2016 - Part 1 - Easy As...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we're into familiar territory! The next bunch of chapters will be episode expansions! Hope you enjoy. Please note this chapter is completely unbeta-ed, so all typos are my own, sorry!

**February 2016**

 

The dorm room was quiet. Way too quiet. The TV wasn’t on. Neither was the radio, or the laptop, and his phone was on silent.

 

Even Carly, Rae and Jepsen weren’t making a sound.

 

Yuri sat on his bed and stared blankly at the wall opposite.

 

The Four Continents was taking place right now, and Yuuri wasn’t there, nor was he cheering on Phichit who was currently there competing.

 

Nor was he doing what he needed to do for college.

Hot on the heels of his disastrous showing at the Grand Prix final, Yuuri had given a calamitous performance at the Japanese Nationals, finishing in 11th place behind a group mostly comprising of Juniors. Of course Yuuri hadn’t done himself any favours – after getting off the plane in Detroit, he’d mumbled his goodbyes to Ciao Ciao and had headed to his room. Since then he hadn’t spoken to Celestino once, nor had he visited the skate club. Phichit had found him practising and hiding at a public rink a few miles from campus. They’d had their first proper argument as friends with Phichit telling him to get his head out of the sand and show Celestino some respect for sticking by him.

But Yuuri couldn’t face him, and when he learn the JSF hadn’t selected him for the Four Continents, he’d instead wrote to Celestino, telling him he intended to sit out the rest of the seasons and weigh up his options. Following that, he’d contacted Mercy and asked to come back to finish his course. Not wanting to stick around in Detroit, having to avoid Celestino and the rest of the Skating club, he’d also looked at what he could do to graduate early, and found that due to his early start in his first year, he would have enough credits to graduate a semester early, so long as he completed his thesis within that time.

Yuuri had turned his back on competitive skating entirely since then, not even bothering with the Worlds (not that he had a chance of getting picked anyway), and had instead worked on his research project and thesis, determined to get back to Japan at his earliest opportunity.

In his limited free time however, he’d been trying to copy Viktor’s free skate, Aria: Stay Close to Me. If he no longer had a public venue or a career in which he could attain Viktor’s level of skill, he could at least prove it to himself. At the very least once a day he would skate the entire routine. They only thing he left out of the program were the quads, which he swore to himself he’d work on when he could. As he grew more and more familiar with the program, he began to wonder just why Viktor had chosen this music, this style, and this theme. It was as if Viktor was looking for something, reaching for something he couldn’t grasp. As well as a newfound appreciation for Viktor’s artistry however, he began to remember his childhood, copying bits of Viktor’s routines with Yu-chan, and he began to remember just what had spurred him on to skate in the first place.

 

 

**March 2016**

 

Phichit and he were back to being firm friends, although the Thai skater was still bitter about Yuuri’s treatment of Celestino. Phichit had finished fourth at The Four Continents again, and was due to take part in the Worlds in Japan at the end of the month. Yuuri himself would be back in Japan himself by the end of the month, but for a different reason: He’d be heading home for good with his tail between his legs.

 

After forgoing just about everything else in his life, Yuuri had completed his degree and was able to join a small number of exchange students in graduating early in a very low-key affair. The graduation was sparsely attended, with Phichit being Yuuri’s only invited guest. There was no graduation ball, only a very small reception held in a room on campus.

 

It wasn’t the way he’d planned on completing his degree. He’d graduated fine, but it was a rushed ending and he could have achieved better marks if he’d taken his time and made full advantage of his extra semester. But with his degree certificate now in his hands, he’d managed to at least keep the promise he’d made to his parents.

 

Three days before Phichit himself flew non-stop to Tokyo from Detroit, Yuuri started his journey from Detroit to Chicago, then on to Seoul and then finally on to Fukuoka. The whole journey wasn’t much of an ordeal for Yuuri who had become unfazed by airports and flying during his career, however he was very grateful when he was finally able to board the train to Hasetsu once he’d landed back in Japan. Yuuri noticed the trains were new-ish, and better than what he’d last seen running to Hasetsu, causing him to double-check he’d got the right train. After musing about how much things might have changed at home since he last visited, he thought about how he too had changed.

 

Yuuri felt he’d grown up in some ways. He’d actually grown a tiny bit in a late growth spurt since he’d left Hasetsu, but he’d only gained an extra inch. His features had become less soft and childish, but this was hidden by his recent weight gain.

 

Oh shit.

 

How would he hide that?

 

While he hadn’t stopped skating, and he had indeed learned Viktor’s Free Skate, he’d been eating anything he felt like while completing his studies and he’d put on a lot of weight. Indeed, he’d never been heavier. His parents might not care, but Minako-sensei would go ballistic if she realised.

 

It wasn’t exactly warm in Hasetsu but it wasn’t particularly cold either, but Yuuri decided he’d use his duffel coat and scarf to try and hide from his Ballet teacher. By the time the train reached Hasetsu, he was wrapped up like it was the worst days of winter.

 

Yuuri had to blink a couple of times at the station, which was almost brand new. Where once there had been a small ground-level station with just one island platform and a vending machine to its name, there was now a whole raised station building with different platforms and lines. As he headed downstairs on the escalator he realised there was a whole concourse under the railway lines, and lots of shops and vendors besides a whole heap of advertising billboards featuring-

 

Yuuri gasped.

 

The station was full of pictures of himself. It was one of those pictures the JSF had forced him to have done, with Hasetsu castle serving as a backdrop. The poster read:

 

_We’re Rooting for You!!!_

_Hasetsu Nature Figure Skater_

_Katsuki Yuuri_

 

“Thi-This is...”

 

“Yuuri!”

 

Suddenly hearing his name, Yuuri flew into a blind panic until he placed the voice, and the face.

 

“Why are you skulking around?”

 

“Minako-sensei?!”

 

Minako launched into a pirouette as soon as she realised Yuuri had spotted her, and she even had a banner with her, emblazoned with his name.

 

“Welcome back, after five long years!”

 

“Wh-Why are you here?” he asked, perplexed at her one-woman welcoming committee.

 

“Stand up straight, will you?”

 

Of course, Yuuri should have known that Minako wouldn't miss any information regarding Yuuri’s return to Hasetsu.

 

“Hey! Is that Yuuri?” a high school student he didn’t recognise pointed a finger in his direction.

 

“Yeah it’s him,” the other student replied.

 

Within seconds every person in sight was staring at him, with all of them seeming to recognise him.

 

This was new. Yuuri wasn’t sure he liked it.

 

Other people soon started to talk about him.

 

“I haven’t heard any news about him lately. What’s he been up to?”

 

“Remember, he lost a big competition last year?”

 

“Was it the Nationals?”

 

After fiddling with his train ticket for a few seconds, the crowd of onlookers mostly dispersed and Yuuri stepped through the barrier to meet Minako. As he did so a local fisherman came up to him.

 

“Let me shake your hand,” he said, smiling at him.

 

Why did people in Hasetsu care about him? What had he ever done for them? He didn’t deserve any respect or adulation!

 

“Sorry, I’m in a hurry,” Yuuri blabbered, covering his face with his mask and waving a hand in the fisherman’s face.

 

“You don’t lose anything by shaking hands! Be polite!” Minako shouted while pointing in his face, “Viktor Nikiforov is always nice to his fans!”

 

Lecture received, Yuuri was soon extending his hand to different people in the station. Firstly the fisherman, and a few others, before he shook hands with an old lady and her grandson. His civic duty seemingly over, Minako led him out of the station by his wrist.

Outside he noticed an instant difference in his home town. Sure the station building was fancy and new, but outwith the concourse itself, there were lots of empty retail units and blacked out signs.

 

“All Right” You’re going to greet everyone in town!” Obviously Minako was now determined to punish him for being dismissive with his fans.

 

“Minako-sensei, what about your ballet class?”

 

“We’re closed today,” Minako responded in a matter-of-fact manner, “I barely have any students these days, anyway. Hasetsu’s losing more and more people. Hardly any kids are skating these days. You should cheer things up around here, Yuuri!”

 

A knot of nerves in his stomach forced him to stop walking suddenly, and he grasped at Minako’s hand, stopping her too.

 

“I-I’m sorry. I’m tired right now...”

 

Seemingly sensing his anxiety, Minako stopped and relinquished her grip on him, “Oh, really? Everyone’s been dying to see you.”

 

“I-I know...and I appreciate that,” Yuuri lied. While he did appreciate the support, he certainly hadn’t been expecting it, “Once I’ve rested I’ll go and meet people.”

 

Minako knew she was being placated, but she looked closely at Yuuri’s face and at the lines of worry she could see on his young features, and dropped the subject.

 

“Okay Yuuri, but I’ll hold you to that. Let’s get you home! Did you bring me anything nice from Detroit?”

 

In the car, Yuuri handed Minako a box of Bon Bon Bon chocolates, “These are really good, and they’re hand-made in Detroit.”

 

Distracted by chocolate and by talk of America, Minako’s attention was successfully diverted from figure skating, and the short drive to Yu-topia was a painless one. Away from the station Hasetsu looked as it always had, and Yuuri found himself comforted by the knowledge he truly was home.

 

Rather than going in the back door of the onsen, Minako opted to bring Yuuri in the front for him make a grand entrance.

 

“I’m home,” he said by force of habit. It wasn’t loud enough for his parents to hear, but he heard footsteps anyway, thanks to door sensor’s chime.

 

“Hiroko!” Minako shouted, “I brought Yuuri home!”

 

“Minako-senpai!” his mother shouted as she ran from the lounge, “Thank you for going to get him.”

 

His mother came skidding to a stop at the top of the genkan, stopping short of offering Yuuri a hug, despite clearly wanting to. “Yuuri, welcome home!”

 

“Thanks. I’m sorry it’s been five years...” he mumbled as an apology.

 

“It’s all good!” Hiroko insisted, smiling brightly at her son, “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your graduation, too. Want katsudon?”

 

“Huh? Did you lose weight, Hiroko?” Minako suddenly asked.

 

At the mention of weight, Yuuri tried to hide his chin from Minako’s gaze, while his mother proudly stated she’d not lost any weight.

 

“Nope! Minako-senpai, you always look the same, even though you drink!”

 

Minako clearly didn’t appreciate that comment, but instead of getting irritated with Hiroko, she turned her ire to Yuuri.

 

“Yuuri, I’ve been wondering ever since I saw you at the station...”

 

Yuuri unsuccessfully tried to creep away, only for Minako to grab him by the hood..

 

“Take your clothes off!” She bellowed before started to strip him right there in the genkan.

 

“No, no! Minako-sensei!”

 

Yuuri could only watch as his backpack, duffel coat, scarf and hat went flying, pulling up his sweater in the process.

 

“Nooooo!” Minako screamed, as Yuuri's weight gain was laid bare for all to see.

 

As Yuuri stood there feeling extremely self-conscious, his father didn’t help matters, appearing at the reception desk with a smile on his face.

 

“Wow, you look just like your mother!”

 

“Dad...”

 

Minako was having none of it though, “Toshio-san! It’s no laughing matter! This is not the weight a figure skater should have!”

 

“You always did gain weight easily, but what can you do?” Toshio commented, “Eat lots of katsudon tonight!”

 

As his parents showed they didn’t care if he’d put on weight, and as Minako silently fumed, Yuuri pushed past the reveal of his weight gain, and found himself asking about something he would rather avoid, but knew he’d need to do.

 

“Uh, before that...”

 

“Oh, right,” Hiroko smiled, clearly understanding what her son was about to ask, “Go say hi to Vicchan.”

 

Yuuri left his suitcase and belongings with his parents and Minako and made their way to the quiet tatami room upstairs towards the back of the onsen that served as the Katsuki family’s shrine. Within the butsudan was a picture of Yuuri with Vicchan when he was just a puppy as well as the tags from his collar. Yuuri silently lit some incense and kneeled to remember the happy times he’d shared with his dog, trying to push back the anger he he felt at himself for abandoning his best friend all those years ago.

The door of the room suddenly slid open to reveal Mari, her hair held back with a purple headband, with even more piercings visible on her ears than when he’d last seen her.

 

“Yuuri, welcome back.”

 

“Mari-neechan! It’s been a while. Sorry to visit when things are busy.”

 

The two siblings had never been especially close due to their age gap and vastly different personalities and interests, but they loved and supported each other from a quiet distance. Yuuri hoped now he was home and that little bit older they could perhaps be closer now.

 

“Hey, how long are you staying in Hasetsu? Will you help out with the hot spring?” she asked, taking out a fresh cigarette.

 

“Huh? Where’s this coming from?” Yuuri asked, but in reality he knew.

 

Since Mari had moved back, she’d been doing a lot of work for the family business. Their parents weren’t particularly old, but one day they’d both need to retire and either pass the Onsen down to Mari or Yuuri or to both of them, or sell up. It had never been Mari’s intention to settle back at home – her career had stalled much like Yuuri’s and she’d found herself single, so moving back had been her only option. Maybe she didn’t want to be there, but felt duty-bound at this point? Maybe she wanted to know if Yuuri felt the same?

 

“You went to college, even though you had to study an extra year. What will you do now?” she lit her new cigarette and took a draw, “If you’re going to keep skating, I’ll support you, but...”

 

“I think… I need more time to think it over,” he replied truthfully.

 

“Hmm, okay. Well, go soak in the onsen and relax,” She replied as she left the room, quietly showing her support for him once more.

 

Yuuri took her advice and was soon ensconced in the empty onsen after closing time. He wasn’t confident enough to bathe with other people after so many years away from the Japanese bathing culture, so getting it all to himself was a welcome treat.

 

After emerging from the onsen, he dried off and headed for the lounge, which always remained open much later than the onsen. In it he found Minako, verging on very drunk, stuffing her face with squid and Shochu. As the commentator announced that Emil Nekola had just earned a new personal best, Minako began whining.

 

“Man, I really wanted to go. If only you’d been in it Yuuri. You could’ve told me the skaters’ hotel room numbers.”

 

“I wouldn’t tell you,” he teased her, “You expect me to be your one-man agency to score you tickets, don’t you?”

 

“That’s not true! I’ve been supporting you!”

 

Yuuri was distracted from her reply by images of Viktor’s warm-up on TV. As usual, Viktor was skating last.

 

“ _Well Honda-san, this is certainly unexplored territory! It’ll be really interesting to see how far he can go. When you watch Viktor...”_

 

“Sagan Tosu’s having a match right now,” a customer moaned, reaching for the remote control and incurring Minako’s wrath.

 

“Hey! I was watching skating first!”

 

“Sagan Tosu?” Toshio shouted, suddenly appearing at the serving hatch, football scarf already round his neck.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Another customer teased.

 

Sensing that an argument would soon start brewing, and wanting no part of it, Yuuri quickly left the lounge, grabbed his kit bag, and headed out towards Ice Castle.

 

“Oh, where are you going, Yuri?” His mother called to him as she watched him leave.

 

“Sorry. I’m going to practice for a bit.”

 

“Take care!”

 

After a short jog, he made it to Ice Castle, just before closing.

 

“Excuse me.”

 

“Our regular hours are over,” he heard a familiar voice say, and a moment later Yu-chan turned to face him.

 

Yuuri couldn’t keep the silly grin off his face at having surprised her.

 

“It’s been a while, Yuko-san.”

 

“Yuuri-kun?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Oh, come on! Call me “Yu-chan”!”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Oh, you came to skate, right? Go ahead.”

 

“Huh? I can?”

 

“You just want to skate alone for now, right? I’ll protect you,” Yu-chan winked at him.

 

“Thanks,” he sighed happily in relief as Yu-chan giggled a little.

 

She hadn’t forgotten after all these years that Yuuri preferred the rink entirely to himself, free of an audience and free of distraction. Without people about he could skate almost instinctively. At times it was the perfect distraction, and with the Worlds happening right at that moment, he really needed a distraction, but he also wanted to reward Yu-chan for her faith in him over the years. He noted to himself that she was still very cute, before putting that rather inappropriate thought to the back of his mind, hoping she’d not noticed him blushing in her direction.

 

A few moments later, Yuuri had warmed up, and fresh from the Onsen he felt ready to deliver a performance for Yu-chan. He handed her his glasses, leaving her a little confused.

 

“Um, I wanted you to see this, so I’ve been practicing it since the competitions ended. Please watch.”

 

Yu-chan didn’t really react, instead she gave him a tiny nod and simply watched as Yuuri glided to the centre of the rink. At such short notice he didn’t have music ready to skate to, so he’d be skating in silence and hoped that she’d paid enough attention to this season to know what piece he was skating.

 

As he readied himself, he heard her gasp, “Huh, this is?”

 

Yuuri imagined the start of the music, and began the routine, looking up solemnly at the ceiling before bringing up his right hand to caress the back of his head, before skating forward with a hand reaching out for something that seemed almost intangible. The start of the routine was full of movements like that, like Viktor wanted to grasp the unobtainable. Just what was it Viktor was seeking?

 

Soon it was time for the first jump, so Yuuri substituted Viktor’s quad Lutz for a triple and did the same seconds later with the Flip, and then the Axel, without even giving it much thought. Bolstered by this, Yuuri continued his skate with greater confidence than he’d previously mustered, heading into a combination spin with ease and skating the following performance elements perfectly before entering a flying sit spin. Next was the quad Salchow, which Yuuri also landed as if he’d done it perfectly his whole life. Having achieved this, Yuuri fully engrossed himself in the performance, skating it through memory for the sheer joy of it, forgetting the lack of music and the nerves that would usually plague him. Before he knew it he was skating another triple Lutz and Flip like it was nothing, and allowed himself to show off even more to Yu-chan who was watching him a look of stunned amazement and admiration. For once Yuuri allowed himself to feed off of that energy as he went into the program’s final elements, cleanly landing a combination of a two triple Toe-loops. He went into the final combination spin, not even fully registering that he’d landed every jump perfectly, his mind completely blank as he assumed the finishing pose.

 

 

Yuuri heard Yu-chan gasp at the edge of the rink, and turned round to find out what was wrong.

 

“That was super cool!” She screamed, slapping the barrier enthusiastically, “A perfect copy of Viktor! Awesome! I thought you’d be depressed or something!”

 

Pleased but surprised by her reaction, Yuuri allowed himself a small smiled as he confessed, “I was. But I got bored of feeling depressed, so I got to thinking… I wanted to get my love for skating back. I thought if I could remember how it was when I copied Viktor with you. Yu-chan, I’ve always...” he stumbled over his words as he realised he was going to tell Yu-chan that he was going back to skating, and it was her he would be thanking for it because he loved her, but not in that way, even though he’d always crushed on her.

 

So it was just as well Axel, Lutz and Loop interrupted before he could get his words wrong and embarrass them both.

 

“Stare…” the three kids chorused, while indeed staring at him.

 

“Axel, Lutz and Loop! Haven’t they grown since you last saw them?”

 

“Y-Yeah.”

 

“Yuuri, you really did get fat!”

 

“Are you really retiring?”

 

“You’ve never had a girlfriend?”

 

“Hey,” Yuko tried to chastise them,

 

As the three girls bombarded him with questions Yuuri was left feeling both mortified and worried about just what Yu-chan and Nishigori had been telling their kids about him.

 

“Sorry my girls are such groupies!” Yu-chan apologised.

 

“They’re all your fans, Yuuri. Welcome back!” Takeshi said as sudden appeared on the rink and got Yuuri in a headlock.

 

“Nishigori!”

 

By this point the three tiny terrors had also got onto the rink and shouted at their father lifted up Yuuri’s jumper to reveal his untoned belly.

 

“Now you’re fatter than me,” Takeshi noted.

 

“Hey, stop that!” Yuri pleaded as Takeshi played his belly like a drum, much to his daughters’ delight.

 

After he’s gotten Takeshi to stop, his old friend began to talk to him more seriously, “You can come any time to practice. The Nishigori family’s always got your back.”

 

“Yuuri, go, go!” said one of the girls.

 

“Lose weight!” said another.

 

Yuuri was genuinely touched by the support from the family, and after skating he decided there was no better time to start turning things around than right at that moment, so he headed up to the small garden next to the castle and began to exercise. Meeting the Nishigori family together at home after so long had made him think about a lot of things. Namely how his peers had mostly settled down already, into careers and families of their own making. Sure there were a number who hadn’t had kids yet to the best of his knowledge, but most of his classmates were married, engaged, or in committed relationships, and most were living away from their parents and had cars as well, like proper adults. Here was Yuuri aed 23 with nothing by comparison, except a dream that had always eluded him. He’d managed to ignore a lot by focusing on that dream, but had he sacrificed the Now for the distant possibility of that dream future? At this stage he realised he was already in too deep to turn his back on figure skating, and if he was ever going to be happy, he had to find a way to keep skating. To do this he had to be independent and focused, with no room for outside interference. Skating had to be his everything. What would Yuuri need to keep skating on his own? He didn’t quite know yet.

 

When he returned home, he checked on the results of the worlds, finding the only upset to be that JJ had failed to make the podium, with the relatively unknown Kazakh skater Otabek Altin getting the bronze. Despite this shock win, Otabek sat there looking positively miserable. How could he be miserable? Getting on that podium at that age? Yuuri had no idea.

 

* * *

 

 

**April 2016**

 

For the next few days, Yuuri got up early and went for a jog before going to the gym and then soaking in the onsen. After soaking he’d catch up on the sports news, knowing that figure skating was likely to get a feature, as the sport would soon be on something of a hiatus until the autumn. It was usually the reporters’ last chance to catch up with skaters prior to the next season.

 

His vigilance watching the news soon paid off, and he found himself watching a small article about the St Petersburg skate club, however it seemed to be a repeat, filmed during the Worlds and it was dedicated to the Russian Yuri.

 

“ _Here in St. Petersburg, Russia, rising star Yuri Plisetsky is finally gearing up in earnest to join the senior competition.”_

 

The footage showed Yuri practising, doing jump after jump with great ease.

 

“What’s with that jump? Whoa, another one?”

 

“ _Under coach Yakov the 15 year-old is about to join Viktor Nikiforov in ushering Russia into an era with two champions.”_

 

As he watched footed of the Russian Yuri, calm and at ease with Viktor at the St. Petersburg club, he remembered the boy’s words to him months earlier.

 

“ _Just retire already.”_

 

Yuuri found the memory hurtful, but he decided to use it. After dinner, he retreated upstairs and found himself staring at the posters of Viktor he’d put up on the walls all those years ago. The pressure was on now, with Russians flanking either end of the age-range, Viktor would be finishing his career just as Plisetsky came into his prime. If Yuuri was ever going to make his mark on the sport and compete against Viktor as his contemporary, this season would likely be his only shot. If he didn’t do it now, there wouldn’t be much point in continuing.

 

This season would be it, he’d decided.

 

_The pressure’s on now… I’ve got to skate on the same ice as Viktor again someday._

 

As he sat staring at the posters, he heard his phone beep with a message from Nishigori. It contained a link to a YouTube video. Yuuri thought little of it and clicked on the link, only to be confronted with a video of himself skating to Viktor’s routine.

 

“Ehhh?!”

 

The video was titled ‘[Katsuki Yuri] Tried to Skate Viktor’s FS Program [Stay Close to Me]’.

 

The video also had a huge number of hits. On closer inspection the video had been uploaded to Ice Castle’s YouTube account, which Yu-chan managed, but she’d been watching him skate so it couldn't be her doing.

 

Had Nishigori really done this to him?

 

He quickly phoned the household to find a truly apologetic Takeshi on the other end of the line.

 

“ _I-I’m sorry, Yuri. My kids uploaded the video, and it went viral.”_

 

In the background he could hear Yu-chan shouting at the girls who didn’t seem all that upset at what they’d done.

 

Yuuri hung up the phone and fell on his side. The video had been up since the night of final of the Worlds. It had over seventy thousand hits. The damage was already done and couldn’t be fixed. While he’d been trying to get some prep done for the upcoming season the last couple of days, the entire skating community had been having a good laugh at his expense. Yuuri decided his best course of action was to pretend it hadn’t even happened.

 

“Goodnight...” he said to himself, and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many apologies for the very long wait for a new chapter. Real life has been crazy...not necessarily good but definitely busy. I had actually written this and the next chapter months ago but I hadn't liked what I'd written, so this is a completely fresh attempt and I think it's worked out better.


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